


This Is the Noise That Keeps Me Awake

by Syls Darkplace (sylsdarkplace)



Series: This Is the Noise [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Bad BDSM Etiquette, Bondage, Dom/sub, Hooker Jensen, Kidnapping, M/M, Minor Character Death, Murder, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Prostitution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-06
Updated: 2011-07-07
Packaged: 2018-01-06 06:19:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 39,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1103435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sylsdarkplace/pseuds/Syls%20Darkplace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen is a high paid prostitute with issues, and Jared is rich john who isn’t satisfied with renting Jensen’s services.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You are a secret, A new possession, I like to keep you guessing

 

Alec felt Samantha’s weight shift as she sat up and swung her legs off the bed. He opened his eyes and surveyed the curve of her back. Her hair swayed as she looked back over her shoulder at him.

“Mind if I have a cigarette?”

He tried not to respond but felt the muscles around his mouth and eyes tighten.

She huffed out a breath. “You know, I think that’s the first honest emotion you’ve shown since I got here.” She stood and started dressing.

He closed his eyes and started counting the minutes until he could get up and take a shower. He smelled like her cologne and cigarettes and pussy.

His eyes flew open as she kissed his forehead. “You’re beautiful, Alec, but you’re a cold fish.”

“You never complained before.”

She shrugged. “You’re a good fuck.” She swung her purse over her shoulder and headed for the door. “See you next week.”

He was out of bed before the door shut. He rang the bell for housekeeping to change the bedding. He couldn’t imagine the cost of doing all that laundry, but clean sheets were part of what the customers were paying the big bucks for, not just his pretty ass.

Alec turned the shower almost as hot as it would go and lathered all over. He knew it was hard on his skin, doing this over and over every day. He never felt like he got clean anyway; felt like there was always a cloud of their cologne and cigars, Scotch and cigarettes, pussy and ball sweat around him. Not that it bothered him. Nothing really bothered him anymore.

Alec turned the hot water off and stood under the chilling spray until his skin stung, he turned the water off and Jensen stepped out of the shower letting Alec run down the drain with the filth. He toweled off and checked to see if he needed a shave. Mr. H liked his skin to be smooth. He ran his hand over his cheek and looked in the mirror. He accidentally met the green eyes there. Dead eyes. He looked away. Fuck shaving. Fuck Mr. H. He heard himself chuckle, and it sounded manic even to his ears.

He dug through his underwear drawer for the brown Rx bottle. He’d only made the mistake of leaving drugs in the medicine chest once. His clients might be rich, but they weren’t above stealing drugs from him. His pulse was racing by the time he felt the hard, cylindrical bottle through the layers of silk and organic cotton. He flipped the top off and popped a tablet into his mouth. He washed it down with bottled water.

He pulled on a worn t-shirt, torn jeans and sneakers with holes in them. That’s what Mr. H liked him to wear – like a kid on his knees in an alley, but that was five years ago.

There was a knock at the door. He let Mr. H in – over 50, thinning hair, ill-fitting suit, Rolex. Money doesn’t buy taste.

“Let’s not waste time. I got a meeting,” he said.

Jensen dropped to his knees. He knew what Mr. H wanted, and he unbuckled the stockbroker’s belt, unzipped his pants, and pulled down his trousers and underwear. Alec tried to prepare himself every time and not react to the smell of butt sweat and balls, but he felt his gorge rise. He forced it down and wrapped his hand around Mr. H’s soft cock.

“Use your mouth, whore. You know it’s what you want.” He grabbed Alec’s hair and pulled his head forward.

Jensen hated this part of the game with Mr. H, but he played along. He gave the guy’s dick another tug and opened his mouth. Mr. H pushed him away.

“Not without a rubber, Jesus Christ, you think I want your filthy mouth on my dick?” He grabbed Jensen’s hair again and pulled on it. “Hurry up, bitch.”

‘Bitch?’ someone thought, but not Jensen. Jensen wasn’t there. Jensen was in a warm, quiet place. Somewhere. Still his hands rolled the condom on the half hard cock and his mouth started sucking. And, yes, Mr. H’s balls and crack smelled, but Jensen didn’t smell them. He wasn’t there. And it wasn’t him with tears running from the corners of his eyes or whose throat ached from the pounding of Mr. H’s cock.

“Fuck yeah, you like that, don’t you whore? You know you do. My big cock in your throat. I bet you’d like it in your ass too. Ugh, God, you filthy little cocksucker. You kiss your mama with that mouth? Huh?” Suddenly, Mr. H shoved hard and held Alec’s nose right into his pubic hair as he came into the condom. Alec couldn’t breathe around the cock filling his throat. He was about to gag when Mr. H shoved him away and sent him sprawling across the floor.

Mr. H pulled the condom off and threw it at Alec. “That’s for you. I bet you’d like me to come down your throat.” He shrugged. “I would, you know, but God only knows what you’d give me. Can’t be taking nothing home to the Misses.” He tucked his cock in, zipped up, and left the room.

Of all his clients, Alec hated Mr. H the most. He really didn’t feel anything for most of his clients actually, but he really did hate Mr. H because he reminded Jensen of being fifteen, hungry and scared and living in an abandoned hotel with other kids. Sucking cock for twenty bucks, $30 without a condom, and that was possibly the price of his life – ten bucks.

And why, because he couldn’t swallow the pain of his mother telling him he was going to hell. That’s what happens to cocksuckers. No, she didn’t say that. She was too genteel. Homosexuals, she said, go to hell. She’d wept. His father hadn’t said a word, but his shame was written all over his face.

Now Jensen lived here in the Doll House, as the associates, i.e. hookers, called it jokingly, and he made more money in a two months than his parents made in a year, but you can’t buy dignity or heaven, he thought.

***

Jensen blinked back to life in the shower. He was leaning forward, hands on the wall, hot water spraying across his back. He gulped in air. He picked up the shampoo/body wash and started lathering, starting at the top and working his way down.

His throat hurt. He’d ring for tea when he got out. Thank God, Mr. H was too cheap to spring for anal. Didn’t want to imagine…

Two more clients today. The first a regular. Nice enough guy, pretty vanilla. Almost too nice, like he thought he was on a date, like they were in a relationship. Still, couldn’t complain. He had good hygiene, didn’t get drunk or ask to smoke.

He was a little nervous about the last client, a new client. The director said he was important. Jensen should do anything but break the agency rules – maybe even bend them a little, she’d smiled at that.

“Why do you say that?” he’d asked.

She shrugged. “No reason, darling,” she’d said in that proper English accent that made everything sound reasonable. “You just never know.”

“Look if he’s into some kink, I’d like to know up front. I’d like to be prepared.”

“If I knew, I’d tell you, darling. But he honestly didn’t indicate any kinks. Still, I’m just saying that if something comes up … You’re a professional, Alec. You know how to think on your feet or … whatever, you know. I’m sure you can handle it. I’m just saying that we all stand to make a great deal of money from this gentleman.”

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely, darling. Besides, I think you’ll like him.” She must have seen doubt in his face. “Truly. He’s quite handsome.”

Alec. They called him Alec here. He didn’t know why, but no one used their real name. They were given a pseudonym when they started, and she’d named him Alec. It was one of the rules – never use your real name, always use a condom, no sharp objects, have a safe word with doms, never meet a client outside the agency without security … In fact, all outside appointments, all appointments, were set up by the agency, never by the associate. Alec rarely had outside appointments. He didn’t like them. He liked to be on his own turf.

And bending the rules with this new client, the idea made him uncomfortable. The director had never suggested it with any other client, even the wealthy ones – the diplomats and heiresses and celebrities. So, why this one? Could he really be that loaded and free with his money? Because, really, some of the richest were also the stingiest.

Alec finished getting ready for vanilla Mark. He dressed in lounge pants and Henley. He sat down and drank the hot tea that food services had brought up and read until Mark arrived.

As usual, Mark was gentle, laying kisses down Jensen’s neck and across his shoulders. He sucked at Jensen’s nipples, but by the time Mark worked down to his cock, Jensen was gone, and Alec had to concentrate on staying hard, on performing, on not following Jensen to the quiet place. When Mark rolled the condom on himself and slicked it with lube, Alec just raised his knees and spread his cheeks. He knew Mark wanted him on his back, wanted to whisper in his ear while he fucked him: “You’re so beautiful, Alec. You should come live with me. You don’t have to do this. I’ll take care of you. I love you.”

But Alec figured Mark’s wife and three kids wouldn’t be too accommodating, and he followed Jensen until sheer physical stimulation brought him to orgasm.

He blinked dopily up at Mark who pulled his softening cock out of Alec’s ass. He got off the bed and tossed the condom in the trash. Alec pulled the sheet up to his waist and rolled onto his side. He heard Mark go into the bathroom and then the water running. Moments later, he heard Mark come out of the bathroom and leave the suite without another word.

***

Jensen took another shower and shaved this time. He debated what to wear. All the director had really told him about the client was he’s rich and handsome. Fucking Prince Charming, Jensen thought. Right. And that was no help. He was obviously rich, and handsome – so what? Why all the secrecy? Only reason could be the client asked for it.

Jensen sat down on the edge of the footstool, eyes fixed on the open closet. Why would a client not want him to know anything before hand? Jensen ran his hand over his face. Why? To throw Alec off his game? Because that’s what it was doing; making him nervous, unsure of himself.

“Okay, pull yourself together, Alec.”

He put on gray silk trousers and a dark green button down. He slipped snake skin loafers on his feet and a Calibre de Cartier timepiece on his wrist. It was a Christmas gift from Alec to himself. It paid to look good for clients. It’s what they were used to. Expensive jewelry was an investment in himself.

Fifteen minutes.

Jensen made a sweep of the room, rearranged pillows and straightened the drapes. First-time appointments were always a little nerve wracking – not knowing what the client liked. Regulars were weirdly comforting. Routine. He knew what to expect. Did the client like the bed turned down or did they like to mess it up? Did they want to talk or just fuck? Did they have a preferred drink? Did they have a kink? Would they want to shower?

Alec had his own preferences on those – turned down and don’t get jizz on the comforter, just fuck and get out, bourbon, none, and no.

It wasn’t that Alec couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation with a client. Jensen might not have finished high school, but he read a lot. He probably could have been an escort. The director made sure they all learned etiquette, but by the time he knew what an escort was that horse had already left the barn, and he was on his way to being a high-paid whore. Anyway, the money wasn’t as good, and he’d actually have to talk to hordes of these well-heeled assholes.

He glanced down at his watch, and his new client was officially 15 minutes late, which wasn’t really unusual. He sat down with a book, making an effort not to wrinkle his trousers too much. He re-read the same paragraph three times before snapping the book shut and setting it aside.

He got up and moved restlessly around the suite. When he found himself on the verge of chewing his thumbnail, he went back to the underwear drawer and popped another tablet. He checked his watch, and the client was almost a half an hour late, which made him either extremely inconsiderate or … There was a knock on the door.

Jensen swung the door open and stepped back because the guy was tall. Really tall. Jensen was over six-foot, but he had to tip his head back to look the guy in the eyes. They were nice eyes … hazel and …

“Alec, I’m Jared. Sorry, I’m late. You must think me awfully rude.”

“Not at all.” Jensen stepped back, motioned Jared inside, and took the opportunity to observe the custom cut suit across the broad shoulders, longish brown hair, and strong jaw. He was younger than Jensen expected – late 20s maybe – and the director was right, handsome.

“Can I get you something to drink?” he asked, as he shut the door.

“Whatever you’re having is fine.”

So ball’s in my court, Jensen thought. Alec can play this game. He walked to the small bar in the corner with just a hint more movement in his hips that he normally would.

“Bourbon?”

“Fine.”

“Rocks?”

“No, thanks.”

He poured an equal measure of Four Roses Single Barrel into two glasses. When he turned back, Alec saw Jared was holding the book Jensen had been reading – a history of the Mexican-American War from Mexico’s perspective. Jared laid it down.

“Sorry, I’m being nosey. I love books,” he said.

“That’s all right,” Jensen handed Jared his drink.

“Is it good? The book, I mean.”

“Yes, it’s very good.”

Jared took a sip of the bourbon and raised his eyebrows admiringly. “Is it as good as this?”

Jensen smiled. “No, it’s not that good.”

Jared took another drink, his eyes never leaving Jensen’s face. “What about you. Are you this good?”

“Oh, I’m better,” Jensen smirked.

Jared took Jensen’s glass and sat it down along with his on the side table. He took off his suit jacket and neatly laid it across the back of the chair. Then, he stepped into Jensen’s space, and Jensen’s first instinct was to step back because still Jared’s size was imposing. Instead, he tipped his head back and looked up at Jared who was watching him. Jared placed the fingertips of his right hand in the middle of Jensen’s chest and pushed just enough that Jensen had to step back or lose his balance. And Jared continued to push another three steps until Alec’s back was against the wall.

Jared leaned down until Alec felt his breath on his neck when he asked, “What’s your name?”

Alec hesitated a moment. “Alec.”

“No,” Jared said, “your real name.”

This was a bend the rules moment, but he didn’t know if he could.

“Tell me,” Jared said in voice that poured like honey and whiskey into his ear.

“Jensen.”

“Jensen,” Jared repeated and pressed a kiss just below Jensen’s ear.

Jared pulled back, eyes sweeping over Jensen’s face. Observing, and Alec tried to come back, but Jared grasped his chin.

“Jensen,” he said and the name tugged him back to the surface. “What are you on?”

“What?”

“What are you on? What medication?”

Jensen could hear the quotation marks around the word medication, and a denial was on the tip of his tongue when the fingers that had been on his chin turned to one finger pressed to his lips.

“Don’t lie, Jensen. Don’t ever lie to me.” Jared’s hand moved to cup his cheek. “Now …”

“Xanax.”

“Not with me. Not ever with me.” Jared turned away, picked up his suit jacket, and slipped it on. “Maybe your other clients don’t mind a zombie, but I want you here with me.”

Jensen was frozen against the wall. He knew he should be doing something to get Jared to stay, but his brain was like a fly in amber. That’s what happens when the professional leaves the room and Jensen is left alone.

Jared stopped in the center of the room.

“Same time tomorrow, Jensen. I want you kneeling here.” He pointed to the floor at his feet. “Naked. Just leave the door unlocked.” Jared walked out and the door closed quietly behind him. Jensen slid down the wall and balled his fists against his eyes. He took a few deep breaths. If he was like this on Xanax … how the fuck would he get through tomorrow?

With a sigh, he got up, went to the table, and poured Jared’s bourbon into his glass. He sat in the chair and faintly smelled Jared’s cologne on it. He turned his face into it and inhaled. Nice. He smelled nice.

***

There was a horrible ringing in his head. It would stop for a moment and then start again. Jensen wrenched himself from sleep. Holy fuck, Xanax and bourbon do not mix, he thought. He rolled over and grabbed the house phone before it could ring again.

“Alec, darling, what are you still doing in bed? You have Mrs. Fabray in an hour.”

He groaned.

“Yes, well, I need to ask you about last night,” she said. “Mr. Padalecki didn’t stay long.”

“Who? Oh, Jared … yeah, he umm… just wanted, I don’t know …”

“Good Lord, do you have a hangover?” she asked.

“I might have had a couple.”

“Never mind. You have Mrs. Fabray, as I said at eleven, and Mr. Alstrom at two. Your evening has been cleared for Mr. Padalecki, and he said to remind you of the instructions he gave you.”

He’s coming back, Jensen thought with a shot of panic.

“Alec, you do remember what he told you, don’t you?”

“Yeah. Yes, of course, I do.” On my knees, naked, before an Armani clad giant. Yeah, got it. He rubbed his face. “Anything else?”

“I’ll send up strong coffee and a greasy breakfast. Now, take some aspirin and get in the shower.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

The director chuckled. “Always so polite. Ta, darling.”

He dropped the phone in the cradle. Fuck, fuck, fuck. His head was all muzzy, and he felt like something had crawled in his mouth and died. He dragged himself off the bed and into the shower. Good as her word, the director had sent up coffee and food, and upon smelling it, he was surprisingly hungry. He made a plate of bacon, eggs, and toast, and poured himself a huge cup of coffee.

He sat his breakfast on the coffee table and pulled out his laptop. Now that he had a last name, he was going to find out a little more about Jared Padalecki. What he found was no surprise – old money from oil and cattle, but also new money. Right out of college, Jared had helped diversify the family business into technology. He was the golden child, except that he was openly gay. Huh? So what was he doing buying Jensen’s services? He had to have hundreds of guys bending over for him, but of course they probably all wanted something. Maybe, he just preferred Jensen’s pre-negotiated price.

Housekeeping knocked on the door for the cart, and Jensen quickly stowed his laptop away before Mrs. Fabray’s arrival. He was really hoping she didn’t want to spank him today. It was really bad enough having to call her mommy. But she did, and all because he wasn’t nursing properly. She beat his ass with a hairbrush until it was on fire. Alec was on the verge of cutting off her supply of pseudo-infant sex. The line – diapers, if she wanted him to shit himself, she could find a new baby.

He worked out in the gym downstairs, showered, and read until Mr. Alstom arrived.

“Alec, you lovely boy,” Mr. Alstom kissed his cheek. Mr. Alstom always dressed impeccably, even when dressed casual. He was tall and carried himself erect despite his age, which was, well, older, with silver hair and blue eyes. He was still a beautiful man. “How are you?”

“I’m good. How are you, David?”

“Well, well, I can’t complain.” He set his portfolio next to the chair.

“Where do you want me?” Alec asked as he undressed.

“On the sofa, I think. Yes,” he said studying the light.

Alec sat sideways on the sofa with his arm along the back. Left leg bent at the knee.

“Hmm, yes, put your right foot on the floor,” the older man said as he got out his sketchbook and pencils.

Jensen relaxed to the sound of the pencil on paper. His mind wandered, over the fate of Mexico and Texas, but eventually back to Jared – to the confusion and anxiety he’d felt despite the sedative he’d taken the night before.

“What is it?” the older man asked.

“What?”

“You’re tense. I can see it all along your shoulders and neck.”

Jensen noted the frown of concern on David’s face. “It’s a new client.”

“Man or woman.”

“Man. I met him last night.”

“Hmm, is he ugly?”

“No, not at all.”

“Does he smell bad?”

Jensen chuckled. “No, he smells wonderful.”

“Was he mean to you?”

Jensen hesitated. “No, he wasn’t mean.”

“But he wasn’t nice.”

“He … I don’t know. I can’t explain it. He asked me to do things I wouldn’t ordinarily do.”

“And did you do them?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“Because he was paying you?”

“Maybe … but, no, I don’t think so.”

“These things you did …”

“They weren’t sexual. We didn’t have sex.”

The sound of the pencil stopped. “Indeed? Explain.”

Jensen sighed. “He wanted to know my name. My real name.” Jensen was sure David understood that they all used pseudonyms, so he didn’t explain.

“Why would he want to know that?”

“I don’t know.”

“But you told him.” He went back to sketching. “Names hold power, Alec. In almost every culture, there are myths associated with the power held in the name – sometimes knowing someone’s name gives you power over them. Sometimes, names themselves are magical. Tell me, what is the name of this client?”

Jensen raised an eyebrow at him.

“Come, Alec, if you can’t tell me, who can you tell?”

Jensen sighed. “Jared Padalecki.”

“Indeed? Jared Padalecki.”

“You know him.”

“I met him at some charity function a few years ago when he was still a colt. Beautiful smile.”

“So? Do you know anything about him?”

“No, darling, nothing that would help you solve your dilemma. Are you going to see him again?”

Jensen nodded. “Tonight.”

“Hmm, so soon? And after no sex. You must have made an impression.”

“Ha, I doubt it. I acted like a rookie.”

“Hmm, I doubt that.” He put down his sketch pad. “Come here.” Jensen got up and moved around the table until he was standing in front of the older man. “I’d love to get on my knees for you, but they’ve been giving me fits lately. He smiled mildly up at Jensen. “You’re such a lovely boy. Are you sure you wouldn’t like to come live with me?” Without waiting for answer, he took Jensen’s half-hard cock in his mouth, and Alec gasped. The artist rolled Alec’s balls in his hand while expertly sucking his dick. Licking up the vein along the underside and swirling his tongue into the slit.

And Alec let himself go, enjoying the wet heat wrapped around him, and the building pressure in his balls. And as the pleasure rolled through him, he imagined hazel eyes and soft, brown hair … his eyes flew open. David was licking his lips.

“I … I’m sorry …”

“Quite all right. I’m sure you’ve given me far more pleasure over the past few years, than I’ve given you.” The artist packed up his supplies and headed for the door. “And Alec, be careful. I’d hate to see you get hurt.”

 


	2. You are a secret, A new possession, I like to keep you guessing

 

Jensen had been kneeling with the carpet digging into his knees for 15 minutes when he heard the door open. He didn’t look up. He just slipped away. The shiny toes of Jared’s shoes came into Alec’s view.

“Look at me,” Jared said. Alec looked up and Jared was bent over him. He stroked Alec’s hair, and Alec’s eyes were bright, almost feverish. “Jensen.”

Alec’s eyes shifted away from Jared’s. He tried to stay, really dig his heels in.

“Jensen, are you on something?” Jared sounded angry.

Alec looked back at him. “No. No.” His voice shook a little.

“Okay, it’s okay,” Jared said soothingly. “Does everyone tell you you’re beautiful?”

Heat coursed across the back of Alec’s neck and onto his cheeks. “No.” Why the fuck was he blushing. Not everyone did, but plenty of people. It didn’t mean anything then, and it doesn’t now.

“They should.” Jared walked across the room, and from the corner of his eye, Alec saw him take off his jacket and lay it over the chair. Then he took off his silk tie and moved behind him. “Jensen, I’m going to tie you up.” He pulled Alec’s arms behind his back, and bound them at the wrists. He placed a kiss in the middle of Alec’s back.

Jensen came rushing back then, breath hitching in his throat.

“Do you have a safe word?”

Jensen nodded. “Scotch.”

“Mm-hmm, I prefer bourbon too,” Jared whispered. He was kissing wet and open on the back of Jensen’s neck, which turned into sucking and rolling the skin between his teeth, and that was going to leave a mark. Jared stopped with one last lick. He pulled Jensen to his feet as he stood.

Jensen’ bed was tall, the perfect height to be bent over and fucked, and Jared laid him across the bed with his feet still on the floor. Jared stepped away and finished undressing. When he returned, he ran his hands over the curves of Jensen’s buttocks.

“Someone beat your ass today,” he said. He gave the left cheek a light pinch, and Jensen gasped. “That’s unacceptable. I don’t want to see anyone leaving marks on you.” He pinched again. “Understand.”

“Yes.” But he didn’t understand really, and he didn’t think he liked Jared’s game. He had other clients. He couldn’t let one client dictate what he could do with other clients. It might be a game to them, but to him, to Alec, it was a business.

“Good. We won’t mention it again.”

Jared pulled Jensen’s cheeks apart, dropped to his knees, and swept his tongue from his perineum to the small of his back, and Jensen gasped in an entirely different way because, holy fuck, no one had ever done that before. Jared chuckled and licked around his puckered hole, pressing against it with every third or fourth pass until he was pushing in past the muscle, and Jensen was moaning and squirming.

When Jared suddenly stopped, Jensen realized what he was doing himself and what Jared was doing to him. He knew Jared was reaching for the lube, and his heart started banging in his chest, and Alec was there to save him. But Jared was leaning over the bed, looking him in the eye, and he was having none of it.

“Jensen,” he said sternly. “Jensen, hey, I’ve got you. Trust me.” He planted another kiss in the middle of Jensen’s back and pushed a lubed finger into his hole. Jared pulled the tie tighter around Jensen’s wrists with his free hand, and the bite of the fabric into his skin distracted Jensen from his fluttering heart. He wanted to struggle, wanted the tie off because it was holding him there. It wouldn’t let him slip away.

There were three fingers inside him, pressing and shifting, rubbing across his prostate, and Jared’s free hand was stroking his side like he was frightened thoroughbred. Jared pulled his fingers out, and Jensen heard the sound of the condom package tear open. He started struggling on the bed. He needed Alec. Where the fuck was Alec?

“No, no, nonono …”

“Shh, Jensen, stop it. You have an out, and you know it. Now, stop saying no to me.”

The word, the word, he could … no, he couldn’t. Fuck. Where was Alec?

The head of Jared’s cock pushed against his anus, and Jensen sucked in a breath. He wasn’t a fucking virgin. He could do this. But he couldn’t. He sobbed out a breath, and Jared grabbed the tie again and twisted it. Jensen whimpered but calmed down. The tip of Jared’s dick breached his hole, and holy fuck, he was huge. It hurt, and he arched off the bed and cried out. But Jared didn’t stop. He paused just a moment before he continued the slow push that was tearing Jensen in two.

Jared let go of the tie and leaned over Jensen. He kissed his neck, shoulders, back. He rubbed his cheek against the short brush of hair on Jensen’s neck. He sighed. “God, you feel so good, Jensen. So hot and tight. Better than anything I’ve ever felt. And I’m going to make you feel so good. You’ll never need meds again, Jensen. Not as long as you’ve got me.”

Jared started to move, and the pain was eased, replaced by the most incredible feeling of fullness and his anal muscles were really relaxing, and Jared’s cock was rubbing over that bright bundle of nerves that were shooting neon bursts of pleasure through him.

And Jared kept saying his name and murmuring a soothing stream of words that he was beautiful and good and perfect and Jared never wanted to be anywhere else, and God, Jensen, fuck, come for me, come on… And Jensen did with a scream. His body arched up off the bed again, but this time in pleasure, and his hole clenched around Jared who laughed and then groaned as his own orgasm hit. His fingers dug into Jensen’s hips as he pushed his cock hard into Jensen and came into the condom.

He kissed Jensen’s shoulder. “I want to come in you. Fill you up and stay in you, so the next morning I’m still dripping out of you. I want you to remember that you're mine.” Jensen shivered, and he kind of wanted that too. Jared pulled his cock out, tied off the condom and tossed it in the trash. Jensen felt empty. Jared pushed him up on the bed so that he was lying on his side with his hands still tied.

Jared went into the bathroom, and Jensen could hear the shower running. His buttocks hurt from Mrs. Fabray’s beating, and his hole ached from Jared’s fucking, and the tie was digging into his wrists, and his neck hurt from the position he’d been in, but he felt strangely calm. He heard the shower shut off and moments later Jared stepped out of the bathroom running a towel over acres of golden skin. He was beautiful. Jensen had suspected as much, but he’d never gotten a good look before. Jared was well muscled with hardly an ounce of fat, long limbs, and fuck, but he was hung. Even flaccid, his cock was impressive. And Jensen thought, no wonder I’m sore.

Dropping the towel on the floor, Jared walked over to the bed. He reached behind Jensen and untied his arms. He maneuvered the covers down so that Jensen was lying on the sheet. He brought Jensen’s hands forward and rubbed his wrists, kissed them. Then, his hand slid to the back of Jensen’s neck, and he gently rubbed the stiff muscles there, and both of his big, warm hands moved down Jensen’s back, kneading the muscles until he got to his poor abused ass where he planted soft kisses.

He pulled the sheet and blanket up over Jensen and kissed him, then. He really kissed him – long, deep, slow, wet – and Jensen felt tears burn under his eyelids.

“Go to sleep now, Jen.” He kissed Jensen’s closed eyes. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

***

Jensen floated up out of sleep dreaming of coffee. He opened his eyes, and realized why. The director was sitting in a chair close to the bed waving a cup near his face. He reached out for it, and she pulled it away.

“Nope, you have to sit up first.”

He raised himself up with his back against the headboard and winced. He took the cup from her and sipped at the scalding coffee.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“Like a virgin. My God, that guy is huge,” he mumbled.

“That is really not appropriate breakfast conversation, Alec,” she scolded sounding like a British schoolmarm, but she was smiling indulgently as though he was teacher’s pet.

Jensen pulled a face. “So to what do I owe this visit?”

“You, darling, have completely won over the richest man in Texas – possibly in North America.” She beamed at him.

“How so?”

“He wants an exclusive contract – you see no one but Mr. Padalecki.”

Jensen choked on his coffee. His heart started to race. “What? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Language, Alec,” she scolded. “Anyway, what’s wrong? I thought you’d be pleased. No more Mr. H.” She wrinkled her pretty nose. “No more Mrs. Fabray. You know it’s only a matter of time before she has you wetting a nappy. Anyway, don’t you like him?”

“No. I, yes, I like him. I just don’t know about seeing him exclusively. I don’t know. I mean what about my other clients?”

She took a sip of her own coffee and eyed him over the rim. “Other associates can take them on. Anyway, I didn’t know you were so attached to them.”

“I’m not … I, it’s just David, really …”

“Aagh, the artist. Yes, he is sweet. That’s a shame, but I’m sure he’ll understand. It’s business, after all, and he’s a worldly man.”

“I know, it’s just that he’s the only one who doesn’t play some silly game, you know. He’s civilized.” He held out his cup for more coffee and she poured. “Anyway, what am I going to do with all my time?”

“Time?”

“Yeah, you know, the time I used to spend with other clients.”

“Well, anything you like, darling. It’s not like this is a prison. Although, you will be on call. He has to give you two hours notice, which seems reasonable.” She set her cup down and smoothed her skirt. “Or is it something else?”

“I don’t know, this exclusive thing. It seems kind of obsessive, doesn’t it? Last night he was upset that Mrs. Fabray had left bruises on my ass, and it must be costing him a fortune.”

“Yes, a king’s ransom, sweetheart, and you are going to share richly in it.” She paused. “And maybe it is obsessive. We cater to all sorts, but we have plenty of security here. You know your safety is of the utmost importance to us, darling.” She laid a hand on his arm. “We aren’t going to let anyone harm you.”

“Not even the richest man in North America.”

“No,” she smiled. “Not even him.”

But Jensen knew the smile was meaningless. Not that the director would ever intentionally see him harmed. He was an important asset – worth a lot of money to the agency – but business is business, and if she had to put him at risk to rake in a shitload of money, so be it.

“Now hurry and take a shower. You need to go down to medical. He wants you tested for every disease known to man, and we have to rush the results. Then come up and sign the contract. I think you will be thrilled, darling.”

***

Jensen had to say the contract was pretty unbelievable. It was a one year exclusive contract, which would make Jensen able to retire if he invested well. There were few stipulations in the contract. All the house rules stood with the exception of one – no condoms. Of course, they’d already broken the no real names rule, so maybe that didn’t mean much anyway.

He was sitting on the sofa trying to read, but he just couldn’t concentrate. His mind kept straying. He hadn’t worked out, which usually helped his focus, but he was too sore. And he felt restless. He got up to ring food service for some lunch. He didn’t feel the bruises Mrs. Fabray had left on his ass anymore, but the dull ache inside reminded him over and over of Jared – of the voice in his ear, the sharp bite of silk on his wrists, the teeth, tongue, lips on his skin, the cock in his ass.

The loud beeping of the phone receiver in his hand snapped him back to reality, and he slammed it down. “Pull yourself together.”  He sat down on the chair with a wince and put his face in his hands. How was he going to get through the evening when Jared just wouldn’t let Alec come out? Jesus, it was almost like he knew about Alec, but that wasn’t possible. Jensen couldn’t do this without Alec, not for any amount of money. He took a couple deep breathes. He wanted a Xanax.

“Fuck.” He got up and paced. He needed to put this energy somewhere. Maybe, push down the pain and go work out.

There was a knock at the door, and he opened it to find Laurence Dominic, the head of security, holding a gift wrapped box.

“Alec,” Dominic said with a shark’s smile.

“Hey.” He didn’t move to let him in.

The man’s smile just got wider. It made Jensen’s skin crawl. “This was left for you downstairs. I thought I’d just bring it to you since I was on my way up.”

“Thanks, that’s really nice of you.” He took the box and swung the door shut in Dominic’s face. Wow, Alec what an asshole today.

The package was wrapped in hunter green paper with cream colored, grosgrain bow. It had a stationary quality note attached. He pulled the note paper from the envelope. Jared’s name was embossed at the top. Precise print in fountain pen ran across the page.

_Jensen,_

_Something has come up, and I won’t be able to see you tonight. I apologize for breaking our appointment. But I will be thinking of last night all day, and I’ll call you later._

_Jared._

Jensen unwrapped the gift and opened the box. Buried in tissue paper was a cell phone, which Jensen promptly dropped on the desk as it began to vibrate in his hand. He fumbled to pick it up. The display read: Chris. Chris?

Jensen flipped the small phone open. “Hello?”

“Jensen?” asked a man’s voice with a slight Oklahoma twang.

“Yes.

“This is Christian Kane, Mr. Padalecki’s security officer. He asked me to call and make sure you’d received your gift, which clearly you have.”

“Yes.”

“He also wanted me to instruct you – as you’re on call 24/7 – to keep it with you at all times. If you do miss a call for any reason, call back immediately. If you can’t reach him, call me. Got all that?”

“Yes, I …”

“Great. Have a good day, son.” The phone beeped in Jensen’s ear, and he flipped it closed. He stared at it in his hand and had to fight the urge to throw it against the wall. The fucking nerve.

24/7 – had he actually agreed to that? Not even one day that he could take some pills, drink some bourbon and crawl into a hole? What the fuck was he thinking?

He was thinking of the money, of getting out of the life, and what then? He’d had a plan. What was the plan? Just a year or so ago – something about some land, horses, books … now, Jesus, it was hard to get past pills and bourbon.

And this Chris just coldly relaying instructions and cutting him off like … like … Jensen pressed the fist clenched around the phone to his forehead and took a deep breath. He slowly released it and set the phone on the desk. He put his hands over his face. His eyes burned.

“Fuck!” He slammed his fist into the wall above the desk, and holy shit, that was not drywall. It was like concrete, and he held his injured hand to his chest. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He went to the mini fridge under the bar and pulled an ice pack out of the freezer compartment. He tried flexing his fingers, and no, no, no, it was like a knife in the back of his hand. He put the ice pack on his hand and started for the door. Then he caught himself and went back to the desk. He slipped the cell phone into the front pocket of his jeans before heading down to medical.

 

 


	3. (2a)

  
Jensen was sitting on an exam table in the medical office when the director breezed in wearing a summer frock and strappy sandals.

“Don’t you look lovely, Adelle,” he commented.

“Yes, I was at a charity luncheon, but when I get a call that one of my favorite associates is hurt …”

“You mean most valuable asset is damaged,” Jensen said and then winced as the nurse pressed on his hand.

 

The director pursed her lips. “What happened?”

“A wall pissed me off.” He was watching the nurse continue the examination of his hand, which had swollen considerably.

She sighed. “I see. What did this wall do to ‘piss you off’?”

“It’s taking over my life – 24/7.”

“That is the contract you signed with said wall.”

The nurse quit probing for a moment with a quizzical look.

“Yeah well, I didn’t realize quite what that would entail.”

“For example?”

“I didn’t know I’d have to interact with the wall’s asshole employees.”

“Employees?”

Jensen fished the cell phone out of his pocket with his good hand. “He sent me this and two seconds after I got it, his security officer called and he was just … an … rude.”

“I’ll talk to him, Alec.”

“No, I don’t need to make an enemy of the wall’s security guy. I’m sure I’ll run into him again. Maybe he was just uncomfortable talking to the boss’s whore.”

The director’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t you use that word. You know better.”

“Sorry, I’m having a bad day.”

She stroked his hair. “You push me like no one else would dare.” She cupped his chin in her hand and made him look her in the eye. “You can do this, darling. I wouldn’t have considered it with anyone else.”

‘Your age,’ he finished in his mind.

“Yeah, okay,” he said.

The director let go of his chin and looked down at the nurse. “So what’s the verdict?

“It needs to be x-rayed,” she said gliding away on the rolling exam stool.

The director picked up her straw bag. “Let’s go, darling. I’ll drive you.”

***

Jensen was lying on the bed staring at the wall when the phone in his pocket began to vibrate. He rolled on his back and pulled it out. Jared. He flipped the phone open.

“Hello,” he said drowsily.

“Sorry to call so late. I meant to call earlier.”

“What time is it?”

“It’s 11 o’clock,” Jared said.

“Mmm, is not late.”

“Jensen, are you on something?”

“I broke my hand,” he said as though that was an explanation.

“How did that happen?”

“Wall pissed me off.”

“I see.” Jared didn’t say anything, and Jensen didn’t offer more of an explanation. Finally Jared spoke again. “And the doctor gave you something for the pain.”

“Mmm.”

“What?”

“Tylenol 3.”

“I don’t want you taking drugs.”

“You said you didn’t want me to take anything when you’re coming over. You said you weren’t.”

“You’re on call 24/7 now. I could change my plans.”

Jensen’s pulse quickened and he bit his lip. “Have you?”

“What?”

“Changed your plans?” Jensen stood up and had to sit back down or fall down due to dizziness.

“No, not tonight.”

“Oh, well, my hand hurts like a son of bitch.”

“It will be better by morning. You don’t need narcotics. Take Motrin or something.”

Jensen sucked his lips between his teeth and bit down for a moment. “Look, the doctor prescribed this and …”

“And I told you no drugs, and you agreed,” Jared cut him off. “You don’t need narcotics for every little pain. Now suck it up, Jensen.”

“I agreed to that when I thought I was only going to see you a couple of times a week. It wasn’t a 24/7 deal. You don’t own me.”

“But I kind of do, Jensen. We have a contract,” Jared said quietly. “Of course, you don’t have to do what I say, but I think you’ll find our relationship more pleasant if you do. Now calm down. I’m sure you’ll find by morning that you don’t need the drugs anyway, and all this drama was unnecessary.”

Jensen was speechless. Jesus-fucking-Christ.

“You haven’t been drinking have you?”

“No.”

“Good. Have a glass of water, clean you teeth, and go to bed.”

“What?” are you my mom? he added in his head.

“Get some sleep, Jensen. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I have to get my cast on tomorrow.”

“What time?”

“Early. Ten.”

“All right. Good night, Jensen.”

***

Jensen was expecting the breakfast cart when he walked out of the bathroom in just a pair of lounge pants, still rubbing a towel over his wet hair. He didn’t expect to find Jared sneaking bacon off his plate. Jared dropped the metal cover back over the plate and grinned like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. David was right. It was a beautiful smile. Dazzling.

Jared got up and took Jensen’s face in his hands and kissed him. Jensen felt the skin on his neck flush and looked down.

“Hey, you’re not still mad about last night are you?” Jared asked softly.

“I, no, I just wasn’t expecting you yet. I have to go to the hospital.”

“Yeah, I know. I just wanted to check on you first.”

“Why?”

“To make sure you’re okay.” Jared ran his fingers through Jensen’s damp hair and stepped back. “Come on and eat your breakfast before I eat it all.”

That sat across from one another at the small table. Jensen moved his plate to the table and poured himself some coffee.

“I’d offer you a cup, but there’s only one,” he said.

“I don’t mind sharing, if you don’t,” Jared grinned again.

“You don’t?” Jensen raised an eyebrow.

“Coffee with you,” Jared said pointedly. “You with no one.”

“I drink it black,” Jensen said.

“So do I.” Jared picked up Jensen’s cup and took a drink. “Good.”

“Casual day?” Jensen asked, noting Jared’s jeans, boots, and button down.

Jared shook his head. “No, I’ll have to change for a meeting this afternoon.

Jensen set down his fork and took a sip of coffee. “Really. Why are you here? You checking to see if I took any meds?”

“No.” Jared looked him in the eye. “I told you I wanted to make sure you were okay. You had a bad day yesterday.”

Jensen didn’t say anything. He’d gone back to eating his breakfast.

“Look, I know this is an adjustment. You had a routine, people that you saw, maybe some of them you liked.” Jensen knew Jared was watching him for a reaction, and Jensen was careful not to show one. Jared continued, “I know I’ve made certain requests …”

“Demands.,” Jensen interjected.

“Demands that you aren’t happy with, but they really aren’t outrageous and you’re being well compensated.”

Jensen sighed and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. “It’s just not having any time to myself.”

“You have plenty of time to yourself. I have to give you two hours notice.”

“Like this morning?”

“Don’t deflect.”

“Fine. I mean time I’m not on call. A day off.”

“To do what? Medicate yourself into a coma?”

Jensen’s mouth dropped open. “What I do on my own time …”

“Maybe that’s why I’m not giving you any. I’m not interested in entering into a personal or professional relationship with someone who might be found OD’ed on the bathroom floor one day.”

Jensen must have looked stunned because all the tension left Jared’s body. He leaned back and ran a hand through his hair. “Jesus, Jensen, why do you have to make this so difficult?”

Jensen smirked. “Why’d you choose someone so difficult?”

“I’m attracted to you.”

Jensen lifted an eyebrow. “You have issues. You may want to see someone about it. Therapy is expensive, but I hear you can afford it.”

“No, I can’t. I’m blowing all my disposable income on you.” Jared drained Jensen’s cup and poured more coffee.

Jensen pushed his plate aside and took a sip of coffee. “Did you shop around?”

“Of course, I did. I’m spoiled and rich. I don’t settle.”

“So I’m like an expensive car, and the other night was a test drive.”

“No, you’re more like a fine work of art or a thoroughbred.”

“That’s flattering,” Jensen said drily.

“It should be actually. I don’t shop of the rack.”

“I’ve noticed.”

“I’m just saying you shouldn’t undervalue yourself.”

Jensen smirked. “Jared, if you’re looking for a prostitute without self-esteem issues, good luck. You’re sure barking up the wrong tree here.”

Jared sighed in frustration. “Jensen, how long have you been doing this?”

“Five years or so.” Why was he telling him this, anything. He didn’t do this. Didn’t talk about himself. Alec would know how to deflect these questions. But that honeyed voice poured in his ear and loosened his tongue.

“And you’re how old?”

“Twenty.”

“Jesus Christ. Twenty.”

Jensen was looking down at the table and fiddling with his fork, and this is not how he was trained to behave with a client. He was fucking everything up. The richest man in fucking North America did not want to hear his sob story … but he was pulling Jensen to his feet and wrapping his arms around him. Jared kissed his temple, and Jensen put his arms around Jared’s waist and leaned on his chest. Jared was warm and smelled so good, like spice and fall leaves. He stroked Jensen’s bare back.

There was a knock at the door, and Jared pulled away. “That will be Chris coming to collect me, and you need to get ready to go to the hospital.” He gave Jensen a quick kiss. “I’ll see you tonight. Eight o’clock.”

Jensen grabbed Jared’s wrist and he turned back with a questioning look.

“Is there … are there any instructions?” Jensen asked.

Jared looked him over. “Just like that’s fine. We’ll pick up where we left off.”

He turned back with hand on the doorknob. “And, Jensen, that wasn’t a test drive. I made a decision the first night.”

***  


 


	4. Bend me, break me breaking down is easy, All I want is you

 

Jensen met Jared at the door wearing the same lounge pants he’d had on that morning and a cast to the elbow.

Jared eyed him and grinned. “I see you took me at my word.” He pulled Jensen toward him as he stepped inside and kissed him.

“I had a business dinner. I hate business dinners,” Jared said hurriedly. He took off his jacket and folded it over the back of the chair. His tie followed. “I should have skipped it and had dinner with you. I bet you’d be delicious.” He grinned again.

Jensen just smiled.

“I’d like a drink. Would you like a drink?” Jared asked, and before Jensen could answer, Jared went to the bar and poured bourbon into a glass. He took a drink and handed it to Jensen who was leaning on the desk. Jared toed his shoes off and slid out of his shoes and pants. Jensen sipped bourbon and watched, admiring the broad shoulders, flat stomach, slim hips, lean legs.

Jensen didn’t know what kind of look Jared saw on his face when he caught Jensen watching him, but he smiled.

“I’m sorry,” he said pulling Jensen close. “I’m kind of hyper. Busy day. Maybe you can help me relax.” He took the glass from Jensen and drank. “Do you like what you see?”

Jensen ran his hands over Jared’s sides and they came to rest on his hips. “You put more work into this than I do.”

“But you’re naturally beautiful.” Jared kissed him again and pulled Jensen into the bedroom where he hooked his thumbs in the waistband of Jensen’s pants and slowly pulled them down. Jensen felt blood rushing to his groin and Alec sliding forward. He pressed against Jared in a way he knew clients liked. Jared took his boxers off and pushed Alec down on the bed. He moved over him on all fours, and he kissed his way across Alec’s stomach, chest, throat, but when he looked into Alec’s eyes, he stopped.

“What is it?” he said. Alec’s eyes shifted away from Jared’s gaze. “Jensen.”

Alec felt himself slip from the tug on Jensen, but he held on. “Nothing.”

“It’s not nothing.” Jared gripped Alec’s jaw. “Jensen, look at me.”

Alec was gone, and Jensen’s eyes widened. He was pinned like a butterfly. No, like a fucking gazelle under a lion. Exposed. Aroused and needy. Fuck. His heart pounded in his chest.

“Jensen, what is it?”

He tried to push Jared’s hand away, but Jared tightened his grip. Jensen gasped and shoved Jared off him, hitting him in the ribs with his cast. Jensen slid off the bed and fell to his knees. He scrambled to his feet and yanked his underwear drawer open. He was gulping air, but there was a band around his chest, and his heart was going to burst. He couldn’t hear over the screaming in his head, and he was dying. He was fucking dying this time.

Jensen’s hand closed around the Xanax bottle just as Jared grabbed him and slammed him against the wall. The bottle flew from Jensen’s hand, and he struggled against Jared to reach it. But Jared’s long fingers closed around his throat cutting off his air and closing the blood flow to his brain.

Jensen could see Jared’s lips moving, but he still couldn’t hear him as the screaming in his head turned into a loud buzzing. Pressure was building in his head, and his lungs were screaming for air. Jared quit trying to talk to him and grimly pressed his lips together as he watched Jensen blanch. When Jensen’s lips began to turn blue and his eyelashes fluttered, Jared released his grip on Jensen’s throat. Jensen gasped and collapsed against Jared who slid to the floor with him in a tangle of limbs.

“Shh.” Jared stroked Jensen’s hair. “It’s okay, Jen. I’ve got you.”

He rearranged them so that he was leaning against the wall and Jensen was mostly on his lap. Jensen’s face was pressed into the curve of Jared’s neck.

“Tell me what that was about,” Jared whispered.

Jensen turned his face farther into Jared’s hair not wanting to speak, but Jared waited him out. Jensen sighed and slumped against him.

“Alec is the professional. He sees clients. When you say my name, it … he leaves. It’s just me, and I … I’m fucked up.”

Jared kissed Jensen’s hair.

“I’ll understand if you want out of the contract,” Jensen said. “I wouldn’t make you pay a penalty, but the director might. She doesn’t know I’m like this.”

Jared huffed. “I’ll just bet she doesn’t.” He rubbed Jensen’s back. “Who started calling you Alec?”

“She did when I came here. No one uses their real name here.”

“How long have you been here?” Jared asked as he pushed Jensen far enough away to see his face.

“Almost five years,” Jensen answered. And there Jared was again making him talk.

He felt Jared tense all over.

“She took me off the streets, gave me a home, money …”

“Yeah, how long were you on the streets?”

Jensen shrugged. “Hooking? A couple of months. You don’t know …”

Jared pushed Jensen off his lap, got up and stalked into the living room. He pulled his boxers and trousers on. Every movement showed fury. Jensen scrambled after him.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m going to kill that bitch.”

“You can’t do that.”

“You’re right, but I can make her wish she were dead.”

“Jared, please.” Jensen grabbed his arm and Jared shook his hand off.

“You were a kid. Vulnerable, scared, surviving. She should have helped you find a home, get an education. Instead she brought you here, and …”

“And what?”

Jared ran his hands through his hair. “When did this start – this thing with Alec?”

“No.” Jensen stepped away and turned his back to Jared. He shook his head.

Jared sighed. “Okay. It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me.” He put his hands on Jensen’s shoulders and turned him around. “I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with this. Jensen, I don’t want to be with some ‘professional.’ I want to be with you.”

Jensen moved away. “Yeah? Because I take pills and drink and have panic attacks. How you like the real me?” Jensen asked with eyes narrowed.

“And I told you to trust me.” Jared advanced on him. “That I’d take care of you. Haven’t I?”

Jensen looked evenly at him. “What fucked up game is this you’re playing with me?”

“It’s not a game, Jensen.”

Jensen swallowed the boulder in his throat. “You’re right. It’s not. So don’t treat it like one.”

Jared reached up as though he was going to run his hands through his hair, but instead gripped it as though he was going to tear it out. “My God, you are so exasperating.” He dropped his hands to his sides. “Look, go in the bathroom and wash up. Brush your teeth.” He reached in the underwear drawer, which was still hanging open, and whipped a pair of silk boxers at Jensen. “And put those on.”

Jared looked so out of sorts, Jensen couldn’t help but smirk. “Sending me to bed early, Mom?”

“Go.” Jared pointed toward the bathroom.

Jensen went into the bathroom and did as he was told even though he’d taken a shower and brushed his teeth before Jared got there. He slipped into the black, silk boxers, and leaned on the vanity. He was startled by the eyes in the mirror. They weren’t dead – wary, tired, confused, but not dead. There were broken capillaries in his right eye, and bruises were already forming on his neck.

_He could have killed me. Johns kill hookers. Happens all the time. That’s all this is. Nothing more. A john and a hooker. Don’t for minute think it’s anything else. He isn’t your friend. He isn’t your lover. He’s a fucking customer. He’s paying for your time. Your body._

Jensen took a deep breath. “Yeah,” he said to the eyes in the mirror. “Then he needs to quit fucking with my head.”

Jensen could hear Jared on the phone as he headed back to the living room. “Because I’m the boss. That’s why.” When Jared saw Jensen, he held his hand up for him to stop and pointed at the bed. Jensen retreated into the bedroom and got into bed. “And I’m saying I’m unavailable the rest of the night. Come back to get me in the morning. Don’t argue with me. Good night, Chris. This conversation is over.”

Jared tossed his phone onto the chair, slipped his trousers off, and laid them over the back of it with his jacket and shirt. He picked up a bottle of water off the bar and brought it into the bedroom with him. He set the bottle on the night stand and picked up the TV remote. He got into bed with Jensen and handed him the remote.

“See what’s on.”

Jensen stared at him.

“What?” Jared asked.

“Seriously?”

Jared put his arm around Jensen’s shoulders.

“Mm-hmm.”

***

Jensen drifted out of sleep feeling strangely calm and mellow. He opened his eyes in the dim morning light to find Jared’s face not four inches from his own. And this didn’t happen. Clients didn’t spend the night. It was one of Jensen’s personal rules, and damn it, if Jared didn’t get him to keep breaking those. But he was too comfortable to get pissed off right then. He’d do it later. Instead, he took in Jared’s messy chestnut locks, lashes lying against his cheeks, slightly parted lips, and he sort of wanted to kiss him. He looked younger in sleep. Like a kid. Jensen’s age, and innocent. But neither of them were. Jensen sighed.

He barely touched his fingertips to Jared’s cheek. Jared’s eyes flickered open. The corners of his mouth pulled into a smile.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey.”

“You’re even beautiful in the morning,” Jared said.

Jensen smiled. “You’re pretty gorgeous yourself.”

Jared blushed. “You missed the end of the movie.”

“I’ve seen it before.”

“It was different this time.”

Jensen laughed. “I’m sorry I fell asleep then. What happened?”

“I’m not going to tell.”

“You fell asleep too.”

“I did.”

Jensen laughed again. “You haven’t seen it before.”

“No.”

“Do you want me to tell you how it ends?”

Jared just smiled, the corners of his hazel eyes crinkling.

“Nick and Nora catch the bad guy with the help of Asta.”

Jared leaned forward and softly kissed Jensen. “I kind of figured that. Who was the bad guy?”

“The man in the hat.”

Jared threw his head back and laughed. “You don’t remember.”

“No, they’re all the same anyway.”

They laid there quietly for awhile as the room brightened with the sun. Jared was on his side facing Jensen, and Jensen had rolled onto his back. He watched the shadows on the ceiling.

“Jensen, you don’t have to answer this, but I’d like to know what triggers Alec.”

“Sex.”

“But the other night. It was you, not him.” Jared was running his hand up and down Jensen’s upper arm above his cast.

“You kept saying my name. He couldn’t … you kept pulling me back.”

“So the panic attack – what triggered that?” His hand stilled on Jensen’s arm.

Jensen was quiet a moment. What was it? But he knew, really, and it disturbed him most of all. He was a guy that never jacked off. Alec took care of any sexual urges. “Arousal.”

Fingers gripped Jensen’s arm, and Jared said, “But you didn’t panic the other night. Why?”

Jensen shook his head slightly.

“Jen?”

“The tie, I think.”

Jared kissed Jensen’s shoulder. “Mm-hmm,” Jared murmured as though he’d already known the answer and just wanted Jensen to acknowledge it. He kissed Jensen’s shoulder.

“I have an idea,” Jared said as he sat up. “Let’s take a shower.”

“What?” No, Jensen thought, that’s a bad idea. “Jared …”

Jared was already up and pulling Jensen off the bed. “Come on, I told you to trust me.”

Jared dropped Jensen’s hand and strode into the bathroom just expecting Jensen to follow him. Jensen didn’t move for a moment. He was very uneasy about this. He didn’t think he could live through a repeat of last night. He heard the shower come on, and followed Jared into the bathroom. Jared was adjusting the temperature of the water. His back was to Jensen – his back and fabulously muscled ass, which Jensen kind of wanted to grab. Instead he slid his boxers off and let them fall to the floor. He stepped into the shower, and Jared followed him. He held Jensen’s silk boxers in his hand.

“What are you …”

“Trust me, Jensen.” Jared wrapped the fabric around Jensen’s left wrist and the cast just above his thumb, “Wouldn’t want to get that wet,” he said as he twisted the silk until it almost cut off his circulation in his left hand. He lifted Jensen’s arms over his head and looped them over the pipe holding the shower head to the wall. Jensen’s back was to him, and water poured down over them.

“Jared.” Jensen’s voice was tight

“Shh, you’re okay, Jensen. You’re with me, and you aren’t going to panic.” Jared ran his hands over Jensen’s wet skin and pressed his chest against Jensen’s back. He bit the back of Jensen’s neck, which sent a shudder through Jensen’s body, and Jared’s hardening cock poked against Jensen’s ass. Jensen’s breath quickened. Alec tried to come forward as blood rushed to his groin.

“God, you feel so good, Jensen,” Jared whispered in his ear, tugging Jensen back to reality. “Every inch of you. So beautiful. Slick and hard.” His hand slid down to Jensen’s hard cock, gripped it, pulled. His thumb swept over the tip, and Jensen’s breath caught in his throat and the muscles in his arms strained against the silk restraint. “Even your cock is beautiful, Jensen. I knew it would be. I knew I’d want that too. All of you. Inside and out.”

Jensen saw Jared’s hand pick up the scented body oil he used to ease the dryness from all those showers. Moments later two slick fingers pressed into his hole. He instinctively tried to move away as Alec tried again to surface. Jared gripped Jensen’s hip and held him in place.

“I’m going to make you feel good, Jensen. I want you to like this. I want you to want me to touch you, to kiss you, to fuck you. I want you to beg for it, Jensen.” Jared’s fingers swept over his prostate and Jensen moaned. “Yeah, Jensen, like that. Make pretty noises for me, baby.” The fingers slid across it again and again, and a third finger slid in. Long, strong, talented fingers that had Jensen writhing and moaning.

“Do you want me to fuck you, Jensen?”

“Yes,” Jensen gasped. “Yes.”

Jared pulled his fingers out, and moments later his cock breached Jensen’s ass, and it was big like Jensen remembered, but good. Better than the fingers. Better than anything. Jared’s long arms wrapped around him, and he licked and sucked at Jensen’s shoulders and neck as he slammed into him, and Jensen forgot about everything -- rocks cutting through the torn knees of his jeans, a hairbrush slapping is ass, the smell of sweaty balls and unwashed pussy, a blackened eye and cut lip, and whore, cockslut, bitch, cocksucker, cumhole. It was all gone.

He was skin and water and pleasure and pain. Jared’s hand moved on his cock again stroking steadily in time with his thrusts, and Jensen’s balls were tightening. His muscles were tensing. Pulsing energy set low in his gut.

“Feel so good, Jen. You about there? Hmm. Need you to. Come on, baby, come for me. Now, Jensen.” He didn’t know if it was Jared’s hand on his cock or Jared’s cock in his ass, but he was overwhelmed. Ripped out of his body and shoved back in. No sign of Alec anywhere.

Jared came hard, slamming into Jensen once, twice, a third time, and biting down hard on the muscle where his shoulder met is neck. Jensen whimpered. Their bodies arched against each other, and Jensen went slack in Jared’s embrace. Jensen heard a crack above him – didn’t know if it was the wall or his cast. Jared licked at the bite mark he’d left on Jensen’s skin. Kissed it.

Jared slid out of Jensen, but instead of removing the restrains, he picked up the body wash and lathered them both from head to foot. He made sure to wash every inch of Jensen, every nook and cranny, as though he just couldn’t get enough of touching him. Then, he rinsed him just as thoroughly and turned off the water. He dropped to his knees behind Jensen and pulled his buttocks apart. He licked at Jensen’s hole and pushed the tip of tongue inside.

“Tastes like me,” he said. Satisfied, he stood and pulled Jensen’s arms down and untwisted the damp silk from around his wrists. He turned Jensen around and kissed him.

“I didn’t get your cast too wet, did I?” he said examining it.

“No. No, it’s fine. It has some waterproof stuff on the outside. As long as it doesn’t get soaked …” Jensen felt drained. He didn’t even have the energy to finish the sentence. He smiled dopily.

Jared glanced up and started laughing. “I think your director is going to have to get your plumbing reinforced.”

They were drying off when the house phone rang in the bedroom. Jensen went out and answered it.

“This is reception.” It was Sandy, the morning receptionist, and she was clearly peeved at being bullied into disturbing an associate with a client. "There’s a Mr. Kane here for Mr. Padalecki. Is he available?”

Jared was now standing behind Jensen who turned and handed him the receiver. “It’s your security officer,” he said with a sneer.

“Chris, what are you doing calling …” Jared’s lips formed a thin line and his nostrils flared. “My phone is turned off for this very reason. If I wanted to be disturbed I would have left you instructions to disturb me. … Doing your job, my ass.” Jared ran his fingers through his hair. “Here’s what I want you to do: Go sit in the car until I come out. That might be 15 minutes or it might be tomorrow with the way you’re pissing me off.” Jared slammed the phone down.

Jared spun around and pointed his finger at Jensen. “What was that look about?”

Jensen stopped pulling clothes out of the closet. “What?”

“Don’t think I didn’t see that look when you handed me the phone. What’s up with you and Chris?”

Jensen shrugged. “He’s rude.”

“Rude? When have you even … wait, the other day when I had him call you? He was rude to you?”

“It’s no big deal, Jared. I’m used to that kind of …”

Jared grabbed him and kissed him. “Stop it,” he said softly. “Come here.” He pulled Jensen down on the bed. “Forget about Chris. We were post-coital. Let’s not let him ruin it.”

“Post-coital?” Jensen laughed.

“Mm-hmm, basking in the de tumescence.”

Jensen laughed again.

“You’re okay,” Jared said. He stroked Jensen’s hair and kissed his forehead.

“Yeah, I am.” He nuzzled Jared’s neck, and they lay quietly for awhile. Jared was on the verge of getting up and dressing when Jensen spoke again. “I hadn’t been here long when I got this client. He seemed like a nice enough guy, you know – mid-thirties, decent looking, middle-class. He wasn’t mean or anything. He didn’t hit me. I didn’t even realize at first that I … He wanted me to call him Daddy. He wanted me to beg to suck his cock to have him fuck me. ‘Come on, tell Daddy how much you want it,’ and I did. ‘Please, Daddy, fuck my mouth.’ I begged for it, because this was so much better than the street, and I was afraid that if I turned down a client, they’d throw me out. At first I could handle it. I didn’t like it, but it was just pretend, right? But it got worse, ‘I’m sorry I make you want this, Daddy. Punish me. It’s my fault. Let me make it better. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ He liked it when I cried almost as much as he liked it when I begged.” Jensen paused. He was stroking the velvety skin on the inside of Jared’s upper arm, and his tears were running down Jared’s neck. “I started having panic attacks when he would leave. I’d completely freak out … well, you know. The director talked to me and explained that it wasn’t me he was talking to. It was Alec. I didn’t even need to be there. Alec would do it all, and she got the medical director to give me a prescription. After awhile I didn’t need the meds that much. Alec just came whenever I had a client. The only time I need it is if I have a particularly bad client like Mr. H or I get … I don’t even masturbate.” Jensen sniffed.

“I’m so sorry, Jensen. Jesus, what I said to you in the shower …”

“No,” Jensen pushed himself up on his elbow. “That’s what I’m trying to explain, to figure out. It’s not the same with you. What he did making me call him Daddy … It was just coincidence, but he called me Baby Boy and my dad used to call me that. My parents were really religious, and when I told them I thought I was gay, they freaked out. My mom told me I was going to hell, and my dad … my dad went in the bathroom and got sick. I ran away and … It all got so fucking tangled up in my head.”

“I’ll help you straighten it out if you’ll let me,” Jared said.

“I don’t know if it can be,” Jensen said.

“It can. We will, Jensen. We already made a start, didn’t we?”

Jensen smiled a little and nodded.

“Honestly,” Jared said, “did you like it?”

Jensen smiled for real. “Yes.”

“Good, because I thought it was awesome.” Jared slid a hand down to Jensen’s ass and whispered dirty in his ear, “I’m going to be dripping out of you all day.”

Jensen’s dick twitched at the thought and his breath hitched. Jared kissed his cheek and moved his hand.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to freak you out.”

“No, I … that was weird. Good and not.”

“What do I need to do?” Jared asked.

Jensen was silent for a moment and then smiled slyly. “Call food service and get me some coffee … maybe some bacon and eggs.”

Jared laughed and sat up. “Fine. I need to get going anyway.”

“You don’t have to. You could get your own bacon this time.” Jensen pulled himself up and leaned on the headboard.

“While that is tempting, I really better get going before Chris storms the battlements.”

“What’s his beef?”

“What do you mean?” Jared asked standing.

“You and me. This. What’s his beef with it?”

“He probably thinks you’re a corporate spy,” Jared answered flippantly as he headed for the living room. “You want juice too?”

Jensen slid back down under the covers as he heard Jared on the house phone in the other room. He didn’t know if he really wanted breakfast. He felt a little sick. Maybe that was from spilling his guts. He couldn’t believe he’d thought about it let alone done it. Jared was taking him apart, and he should be freaking out. Instead, he was lying here all warm and relaxed. Sated. This was all wrong. He shouldn’t be feeling this. He would regret it, but he wasn’t going to right now.

Jared stepped back to the doorway in his Armani looking nothing like a man who’d just spent a night choking a whore out of panic attack; then watching old movies with him before tying him up and fucking him in the shower. Well, Jensen thought, I have a way of putting things in perspective.

“Your breakfast is on the way,” Jared said.

“Thanks,” Jensen said. “For everything.”

Jared sat down on the edge of the bed. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to see you tonight.”  He cupped Jensen’s cheek with his hand and ran his thumb along Jensen’s bottom lip. “I hope so, but I’ve gotten kind of late start on the day.”

Jensen smiled.

“What are you going to do today?” Jared asked.

Jensen shrugged. “There’s a new Surrealist exhibit at the city gallery. I might check that out or go to the library. I need some new books.”

Jared leaned down and kissed him. “Okay, I’ll let you know either way if I’m coming over. I’ll talk to you.”

“Okay.”

Jared started out, but turned in the doorway. “Jensen, you call if you need me, okay?”

“Yeah, I will.”

***

 

 


	5. The emptiness, The craziness, Satisfy this hungriness

 

Jensen loved the city gallery with its hushed corridors and civilized patrons almost as much as he loved the main library. He wandered through a newly renovated exhibit of American Indian Art and a small Impressionist collection before heading to the special Surrealist exhibit.

The cell phone vibrated in his front pocket startlingly close to his dick. He blushed as he fished for it, looking around the sparsely populated hall.

“Hello.”

“Hello, beautiful,” Jared purred. “Where are you?”

“I’m standing in front of The Persistence of Time.”

“Hmm, melting clocks.”

Jensen laughed. “Yeah.” A woman near by frowned at him and he moved out into the corridor.

“So am I going to see you tonight?”

“I don’t know. We’ve got a special project going that’s requiring my personal attention. If I make it over, it will be late.” Jensen could hear Jared put his hand over the phone and talk to someone in the room. “… fucking Christ, I don’t care what the DOJ says, do it. Sorry, Jensen, I’m going to have to go. There are times that delegating isn’t an option.”

“That’s why you get the big bucks.”

Jared chuckled. “Yeah, listen, don’t wait up. If I can make it over, I’ll just let myself in.”

“Umm, okay.”

“If that’s all right …”

“Yeah, of course, it is.”

“Okay, good. If I don’t see you tonight, I’ll definitely see you tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

“Bye, Jensen. Be careful.” Jared rang off.

Be careful? Jensen looked at the phone in his hand for a moment. What was that about? Shrugging, he slipped in back into his pocket and wandered into the gift shop. He was surprised to find that he actually hoped Jared would come by. It wasn’t that he was so attached to Jared or that he missed many of his former clients, but the evening would be long without a client. Most of the associates would be engaged, and he didn’t really socialize with any of the others anyway. He occasionally talked with one or two in the gym, but otherwise there wasn’t much opportunity to get to know the other associates. It wasn’t encouraged at any rate. He actually had had a lot of time to himself the past few days, despite all the drama and he really wasn’t his own best company.

He’d always liked horror movies and was looking through a book on horror cinema, when a small boy ran past.

“Michael,” a man’s voice called out. “No running.” Jensen could hear the child’s footsteps in the next row and smiled a little remembering …no, don’t remember. Just then a man came around the end of the aisle, and Jensen’s eyes met Mark’s for half a second before Mark-come-live-with-me-you-don’t-have-to-do-this-I-love-you-Alec looked right through him as if he didn’t exist. But Jensen didn’t slink away; he just kept staring at Mark until he turned down the next aisle.

Jensen went to the register and bought the book along with a silk tie patterned in a Frank Lloyd Wright design. He wondered how Mark did it – how he looked his wife in the eye, how he could touch her, kiss her, fuck her, how he could play ball with his little boy, or read his little girl a bedtime story, knowing that earlier he’d been fucking some young guy up the ass, whispering endearments to him. How would he feel if his son ended up like that young guy, like Alec, like Jensen?

Jensen could feel a headache starting behind his eyes even before he stepped out of the museum into the blinding afternoon sun. He put on his sunglasses and pulled a little at the linen scarf wrapped round his neck. It was too warm and made him look like a hipster, but he had to do something to cover up the bruises Jared had left on his throat. He’d been a little shocked by them when he’d shaved that morning. He’d had some kinky clients in his young life, but none had ever left such obvious marks on him. Ironic that it wasn’t even from sex. Jared liked to tie him up, so obviously he was little kinky, but Jensen didn’t think Jared had gotten aroused from choking him. He’d been so far gone himself though he wasn’t sure. Certainly, Jared hadn’t gotten off. He was pretty sure of that.

What he was sure of was that it was the most dangerous thing a client had ever done to him. It scared him. It also excited him -- and how fucked up was that? It wasn’t that Jared had come close to killing him – although, maybe a little – it was the complete control Jared had over him. It was the grim determination on Jared’s face as he watched Jensen for the sign that he should let him breathe, live. Even in the shower, sure, Jensen might have been able to pull the plumbing out of the wall to get away, but short of that – he had to trust Jared to get him through it, make him feel good, hold him together. It chilled him that he had, that he did, trust Jared against all his instincts, and it worried him that maybe he couldn’t not trust Jared, that he’d already crossed some line. He bit his lip. He wasn’t educated, but he’d read some psychology, clearly, not enough.

He slipped his sunglass off as he pushed through the glass doors of the agency. He nodded to Becky at reception as he crossed the lobby.

“Alec,” the director called out from a side hall.

He stopped and turned, flashing a professional smile.

“I need to see you, darling.” She motioned him into the hallway leading to medical services, and he followed. Once through the doors, she pulled him into an empty exam room and tugged the scarf from around his neck. She gasped at the bruising.

“It isn’t what you think,” he said.

“Really? What do I think it is?” She folded her arms across her chest.

“Breath play, and it isn’t.”

“Because?” she asked with narrowed eyes.

“Because breath play has to be monitored. It’s in the contract.”

“Look, if it just happened – wasn’t planned – he can pay the penalty and in the future …”

“That isn’t what it was.” Jensen pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Then what was it?”

Jensen sighed. He didn’t want to talk about this with her. It seemed wrong, like it was something private between him and Jared. “I had a panic attack.”

“And this is how he dealt with it, by throttling you?”

“It worked. You can’t hyperventilate if you can’t breath.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Why didn’t you take your medication?”

“He doesn’t want me taking drugs.” He regretted it the moment he said it. He should have just said he forgot or ran out.

“He didn’t put that in the contract. I wouldn’t have agreed to that, and you shouldn’t have either. You know you can’t perform … What else has he gotten you to agree to?”

“Nothing. That’s it. I thought …”

“Don’t lie to me. You know damn well you don’t think you can do this without the meds.”

“But I did. I hardly ever take them anymore. Just with clients like Mr. H. I thought I could handle Jared without them.”

“Well, now you know you can’t, and he doesn’t have to know.”

“Yeah,” Jensen said, but no, he wouldn’t take them, couldn’t, because Jared would know.

“All right, I want the nurse to look you over and make sure you’re okay.” She pulled his bottom right eyelid down to get a better look at the web of broken capillaries. “My God, he almost killed you, you know.”

“It looks worse …”

“Don’t,” she dropped her hand and started for the door. “And, Alec, I know I said to bend the rules, but I don’t want you getting killed. Don’t agree to anything off contract, understand?”

He just nodded. His head was pounding.

“Oh, and Jensen, the plumber is finished in your bathroom.”

***

Jensen awoke to a dark room, hands on his arms, heat at his back, and he started to tense.

“Shh, go back to sleep, Jensen.” The whiskey voice ran in his ears and burned through his veins making his muscles slack and his limbs heavy. Kisses were pressed against the back of his neck and along his shoulders. Jared curved his body around Jensen from chest to ankles. He rubbed the arch of Jensen’s foot with his toes. Jensen’s eyes fluttered shut.

“Good night, baby,” Jared whispered but Jensen had already slipped into sleep.

When he drifted awake, the room was filled with watery light and Jared was leaning over the bed fully dressed. He stroked Jensen’s cheek. “It’s raining. Go back to sleep.”

“Don’t want to. Come back to bed,” Jensen said tugging at Jared’s arm.

Jared gave him one of those dazzling smiles. “Can’t. I’ve got work to do, but I’ll see you later.”

“When?”

“Not sure,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed. “What are you doing today?”

“If it quits raining, I’m going to go to the library.”

“Well then, I hope it quits raining.”

Jensen gave him a quizzical look.

“It must get boring stuck in here all the time,” Jared said.

“Yeah, it does. I mean it’s not like I can’t …” He shrugged.

“Yeah,” Jared kissed him. “I really have to go. I’ll call you later.” He stood. “Would you like me to order your breakfast?”

Jensen smiled. “No, I think I’ll go back to sleep.”

“Good choice.”

***

The rain had ended early and brought with it slightly cooler weather, thankfully, because Jensen was once again wearing a scarf. He’d browsed the library for a good while and picked up a couple novels, a book on Taliesin, and a new biography of Thomas Jefferson.

He was on his way back to the agency, looking in shop windows, and considering stopping for some lunch along the way when the tell-tale vibrating started in his pocket.

“Hello.”

“So the weather turned out for you.” Jared sounded truly pleased at that.

Jensen smiled. “Yes, I’m just walking back from the library.”

“Really? So you’re where?” Jared sounded excited or tense or anxious. Probably just hyper from a busy day again.

“On Fifth Street.”

“Do you know De Novo Café?”

“Yes.” Jensen stopped in front of an art glass shop.

“Meet me there. I’ll buy you lunch.”

“I, Jared, I can’t do that.”

“Why not? It’s just lunch.”

“I can’t make outside appointments. That has to go through the agency. You know that.” It’s in the contract. Don’t go off the contract. And two hours – this isn’t two hours notice.

Jared was silent a moment. “So you want me to call the agency, so they can call you and tell you to meet me at the café.”

Jensen sighed. “I know it sounds, it is silly, but …”

“I don’t want to get you into trouble. I’ll call the agency.”

There was a long pause as Jared waited for his reply. “No,” Jensen said. “Forget it. I’ll see you ten minutes.”

“Great. Bye.”

De Novo Café was quiet, intimate, exclusive. Jared was given the prime table and fawned over. Although many eyes were on him, plenty turned with interest to Jensen. He was glad that despite wearing jeans he’d bothered to wear a designer shirt and the Cartier watch. Even the silly scarf seemed appropriate here.

Jared turned Jensen’s hand so he could examine the watch. “Nice. A gift?”

“Mm-hmm.” Did he mistake it or did something dark pass behind Jared’s eyes before he added, “From Alec last year for Christmas.”

Jared nodded and frowned. “I got a call from the director yesterday. She was a little upset.”

“I’m sorry.”

Jared shook his head. “Not your fault. She’s just protecting her asset.”

“Yeah,” Jensen said, “but I don’t think it’s just about the money. I mean, she cares …”

“Does she?” Jared’s expression was emotionless. The question was sincere, not sarcastic as Jensen wanted to interpret it.

“Yes, I mean, some, of course, she does.” He felt kind of anxious. He didn’t like that he was being forced to defend the director. “It’s not like we’re family …”

“Or friends?” Jared offered.

Why were they doing this? Why were they having this conversation? This was lunch with a client – another appointment without the agency’s knowledge. Another rule broken. Fuck, how did this happen? How did Jared get him to do this?

“Are you friends?”

“No.” Jensen felt his pulse quicken. His breathing was shallow and fast. Jared gripped his hand.

“Jensen, drink some wine.”

Jared had his left hand, and he had to concentrate on picking up the wine glass with his broken hand. The cast made him clumsy, but he managed to take a drink.

“Another,” Jared said before he could set the glass down. Jared watched him for a moment, waited for Jensen to take a few deep breaths. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up at lunch. Let’s just forget about it.”

Jensen nodded.

“Good, because the food is here.”

The rest of the meal was easy and quiet. They made small talk about how delicious the food and wine was.

“I could eat bread like this every day,” Jensen said.

“I could arrange that.”

Jensen started to laugh and then saw Jared’s face. “You’re serious.”

“Sure.”

This time, Jensen did laugh. “No, then I’d have to work out twice as much to keep from getting fat.”

The owner of the café, Sebastian, came to the table as they finished their meal to make sure that everything had been excellent for Jared. They were introduced, and Sebastian looked at Jensen like an alley cat stalking a sparrow. Jensen wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d licked his chops. In return, Jensen was carefully reserved but polite. Jared smiled throughout, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

As they stepped onto the sidewalk, a black Lincoln Town Car with dark windows glided to the curb.

“Let us give you a ride,” Jared said as he opened the back door.

“I just have a few blocks,” Jensen said.

“Come on. Show me the books you got at the library.” Jared gave him that brilliant smile and held the door open for him.

As Jensen slid into the backseat, he saw that Chris was behind the wheel. Their eyes met in the rearview mirror, and it wasn’t disapproval he saw in the security officer’s eyes. It was something else. Chris’s eyes shifted to Jared and back to Jensen.

“Let’s go,” Jared said as he dug into Jensen’s book bag.

Chris broke the gaze, glanced in the side mirror, and pulled into traffic.

“Stephen King,” Jared said.

“It’s new.”

“I haven’t read it. I don’t get much time to read for pleasure. Wish I did,” Jared said. He pulled out another. “Ghost Story.”

“Peter Straub. I read it when I was younger and loved it. I thought I’d see if it was still that good.”

“Hmm, Frank Lloyd Wright. You’re an admirer?”

“Yes.”

“Me too, and Thomas Jefferson.”

“That’s a new one as well.”

“That looks interesting. You’ll have to tell me about it.”

“Sure.”

Jared was putting the books back in the bag, and Jensen glanced out the window. He recognized nothing around them. “Wait, Jared, where are we going?”

“Home.”

“But this isn’t the way …” And he realized then what Chris’s look had been – a warning. He turned to Jared was who was leaning back against the seat with a faint smile on his face. “No, Jared, I can’t do this. I have to go back. I’ve already broken way too many rules for you. If the director finds out …”

“You don’t have to worry about the director’s rules anymore. You aren’t going back.”

“I, what?” Jensen glanced toward the front of the car, but the privacy panel had slid up. “Of course, I’m going back. That’s where I live. It’s my job.”

“Your job.” Jared squeezed his eyes shut as though he had a headache. When he looked back at Jensen, he did so with a slight frown. “And you think you’re making a lot of money, don’t you?”

Jensen hesitated. “Not by your standards, no.”

“Jensen, do you know that your room and board is subtracted from your pay.”

“Yes.”

“And do you realize that you live luxuriously? Extravagantly, even?”

Jensen swallowed. “I don’t …” He shook his head.

“No, I don’t think so either, but according to the agency almost everything you make goes to pay your expenses.”

Jensen shook his head emphatically this time. “No, I’ve seen my accounts. I have …” He stopped this time because Jared just looked sad.

“Faked, Jensen. There’s relatively little in your accounts. There’s just enough for you to buy nice things without overdrawing. Try buying a house.”

“How could you know that?” Jensen asked, not wanting to believe that what Jared was saying could be true.

Jared pulled his briefcase onto his lap and opened it. “Because that special project I’ve been working on the past couple of days was you.” He pulled out a thick manila envelope and handed it to Jensen. “Your contracts, agency expenses, financial account information, everything.”

“How did you get this?” For the first time, Jensen was really angry with Jared.

Jared shrugged and smiled. “I own a technology company. Some people call them hackers. I call them employees.”

Jensen looked down at the envelope in his hands. Shook his head. “I don’t believe you.”

Jared leaned forward and put his hand on Jensen’s knee. “Jensen, you’re more than welcome to have an attorney and CPA go over all that with you line by line, but I assure you, it is true. They’ve been using you. They never meant to let you go. Not until you were no longer an asset.”

Jensen knew what Jared was leaving unsaid. They’d let him go when he was too old or to unattractive or too broken to make them money, and they’d let him go with almost nothing – money, dignity, sanity, soul.

Still, he shook his head, not wanting to believe. “No.” He opened the envelope and pulled the documents out. He rifled through them, and they were, in fact, his contracts and financial documents. There was his signature, over and over, page after page. He shut his eyes. “I was so stupid.”

“You were just a kid, Jensen,” Jared said quietly. “They took advantage of that. My God, don’t beat yourself up about it.”

Jensen opened his eyes and looked hard at Jared. “Everything you say may be true, but it doesn’t make what you’re doing okay.”

“Jen … just, you have to trust me.”

Suddenly, the light in the car dimmed and it came to a stop. Jared took the pile of documents from Jensen and put them in with the library books.

“It will all work out,” Jared said as Chris swung the door on Jensen’s side open. They were in an old warehouse with painted over windows. In addition to the Lincoln, there was a Land Rover and an Escalade. Chris stepped back to let Jensen and Jared precede him. Jared put a hand on Jensen’s back and urged him toward a freight elevator. They stepped in, and Chris pulled the gates shut and started the motor. The car went up two floors and came to a stop that made Jensen’s stomach flip. Chris pulled the gates open to reveal a loft of exposed brick, and barred windows were high on the walls. The ceiling, duct work, and pipes were painted flat black, but beyond that the space didn’t resemble a warehouse.

The wood floors shone like mirrors and thick carpets delineated living spaces. Modern leather sofas and chairs were arranged around one. A huge platform bed sat on another. In the nearest corner, industrial stainless steel equipment marked the kitchen area. It was separated from the living room by a long black granite work island. Bookcases, stuffed with books, lined some walls and partially separated the sleeping area from the other areas. Even the bathroom was separated by a only a curved 8-foot-high wall.

“I thought you lived in the Corbett Building down town,” Jensen said.

“That’s what people are supposed to think,” Jared said. “I think that’s all we need for now Chris. Thanks.”

Chris nodded. “I’ll be downstairs.”

“Of course, you will,” Jared replied. Neither Jared nor Jensen said anything until they heard the elevator gates crash shut and the motor grind to life.

“You’re upset,” Jared said.

“I’ve never been kidnapped before. Even the agency gave me the illusion of choice,” Jensen said as calmly as possible.

“It’s not like that.”

“So I can leave whenever I want.”

“No.”

Jensen swallowed the lump in his throat. His eyes swept the room again. He walked over to the living room area and ran his hand along the back of a chair. The leather was soft as velvet. He pulled the scarf from around his throat and dropped it in the chair. He didn’t know what to do or say. Everything he’d known for the past five years of his life had been stripped away. The little bit of security he’d found in it was shown to be a lie, and he was left with what? Jared. Trust me. No other choice.

He turned and Jared was right there, arms pulling him in. Jared was kissing his throat – no, the bruises. Each one. Jared pulled Jensen’s shirt off and found the bite mark on his shoulder, and kissed it, sucked on it. He was finding every mark he’d left on Jensen and licking, sucking, kissing. His fingers were digging into Jensen’s flesh, making new marks. Jensen was aroused and frightened at once. He gasped, heart pounding.

“Do you want me to tie you up?” Jared asked as he undid Jensen’s belt and fly. His hands slid into the back of Jensen’s jeans and cupped his ass. Jensen let his head fall forward onto Jared’s shoulder. Jensen nodded slightly.

“Come here.”

Jared led him over to the bed, helped him off with his jeans, and urged him onto the bed. Pushing Jensen’s hands above his head, Jared leaned above him. Jensen heard a rattling sound, but before he could react, cold steel locked around his wrist and then his cast. Jensen flipped over to find that his hands were in metal shackles attached to a steel ring in the wall by about 2-feet of light chain. He jerked on the left one.

“Weapons-grade steel. You won’t break it,” Jared said. He was kneeling at the end of the bed, naked, dick hard and leaking. Jared looked predatory. The lion and the gazelle again. Jensen tried to slip away, screamed to Alec in his head, but Jared grabbed his ankles and yanked him down the bed until there was no slack in the chains.

“No,” Jensen shouted.

“Don’t tell me no,” Jared growled as he smeared lube on his cock and pushed Jensen’s knees up. Without another word, Jared was pushing into him, and Jensen made a pained sound as Jared’s cock continued to split him open until he was balls deep. Jensen was so full it ached, and Alec was gone, really gone, and Jared owned Jensen, possessed him, lived within him. It was good and wrong, and he was losing himself all over again. Jared was taking him apart, and he didn’t know if he would fit back together or who or what he’d be, if he did.

Jared was driving into him like a piston, and they were an engine powering a runaway train. This couldn’t end well. Only with destruction, blood and twisted metal. Jensen dug his heels into Jared’s back and bit down on his shoulder. Jared growled in his ear and drove into him harder. Jensen was shaking all over, his muscles straining against the chains, his legs working to push Jared on. His body was tensing, drawing taut, almost beyond its tensile strength, ready to snap. This had to stop. He couldn’t let this happen … when every muscle in Jensen’s body seized, and his orgasm was ripped out of him with a scream. But Jared didn’t stop. He kept pounding into him. His cock impacting Jensen’s abused prostate causing him to thrash in pain and pleasure, and when Jared came moments later, Jensen was practically sobbing. They were both panting and slick with sweat.

“Scotch,” Jensen said.

Jared pulled out of him and went into the bathroom. Jensen heard the shower come on, and he didn’t know what to expect. Jared had done the same thing the first time they’d had sex, but it had been different between them since. Was it his use of the safe word? Or was it that now that Jared had him, he could quit acting like what? A friend? A lover? Jensen realized he didn’t really know what either of those were. And why did he use the safe word then? For what? What was he trying to stop when it was over anyway? The shower had shut off and Jensen heard Jared moving around. Then he heard the gates of the elevator slam and the motor roar to life.  


 

 


	6. You come on like a drug, I just can’t get enough, I’m like an addict coming at you for a little more

 

Jensen scooted farther up the bed and rolled onto his side until his hands could rest on the pillow in front of him. It relieved the ache in his arms and shoulders. It also reminded him that he was helpless to act. All he could do is lie in Jared’s bed and wait.

Talk about out of the frying pan …

It wasn’t comfortable as the sweat cooled on his skin and come dried on his ass and balls. What had Jared said the first time about filling him with come so it would drip out of him all day? A reminder that I belong to him, Jensen thought. His gut seemed to twist with it. He’d spent the past few years being bought and sold, traded like a horse, never getting anything out of the deal, and now he’d been stolen, and for what? What would Jared trade him for? Did Jared really think the agency would just let him go? They hang horse thieves, after all.

He heard the groan of the elevator motor and then the gates banged open. He couldn’t see who it was until Chris rounded the bookcase at the foot of the bed. Jensen’s eyes flicked away from Chris’s face, but not before he saw the frown. Chris pulled the sheet up to Jensen’s waist and then worked the shackles loose with a key. Jensen didn’t move as Chris went toward the kitchen. He brought back a bottle of water and set it on the nightstand. He hesitated as though wanting Jensen to make some move, show some sign of life.

“Thank you,” Jensen said.

“You’re welcome. There’s food in the refrigerator and clothes that will fit you in the closet, on the right. Clean towels in the bathroom cabinet …” He made a palms-up gesture with his hands as though indicating that Jensen might want to get up and take a shower.

“Is he coming back?”

“He lives here,” Chris said, then continued as though he knew that wasn’t what Jensen meant.  “You exasperate him, but he doesn’t give up easily. You can bet he’ll be back, son.”

“Why?”

“He’s kind of obsessive.” Chris sat down on a low bench against the wall.

“So he’s been obsessive about people before?”

Chris shrugged. “A few weeks ago I’d have said yes, but, nah, those were high school crushes by comparison.”

Jensen rolled over on his back. “Great.”

“You know…”

“What?”

Chris just shook his head.

“So what does he want from me?”

“Want from you? Nothing. Everything.”

Jensen rubbed his face. “Is this going to get ugly?”

“A lot of that depends on you, doesn’t it?”

“Why are telling me any of this?”

“He told me to answer any questions you had.” Chris got up and laid a walkie-talkie on the night stand. “You know how to use that?”

“Sure, had one when I was kid.”

“You need anything, give me a holler.” He walked toward the elevator. “And, Jensen, take a shower.”

Jensen waited until the growl of the elevator ceased and the distant bang of the gates reverberated up the shaft before he rolled off the bed and went to the closet. Chris was right. There was an entire section of the walk in closet, which angled back behind the bathroom, that had clothes in his size – everything from jeans and button downs to dress pants and shirts. Below the rod were drawers of underwear, sweats, t-shirts, shoes and socks. He grabbed a pair of boxers, jeans, and a Henley, and headed to the bathroom.

After a shower, he rummaged through the bathroom cabinet until he found a clean set of sheets, and he remade the bed. He stuffed the stained sheets into the bathroom hamper and straightened the bathroom.

He restlessly wandered around the loft looking at books and the few pieces of art scattered about. It was kind of Spartan, he thought. Is this where Jared really lives? It was then he noticed something he hadn’t noticed before, a bag from the city gallery lying on a low table near the sofa. He picked the bag up and looked in it. Inside was the book and tie he’d bought the day before. He’d left it on the desk in his room, and Jared had taken it when? That morning when he’d left knowing that Jensen wouldn’t be back. It had to be. Jensen felt a weird mixture of anger, bewilderment, and gratitude.

He made a sandwich at lunchtime and spent the afternoon re-introducing himself to Ghost Story. He got lost in its dreamlike horror just as he had when he was 14, and the mysterious Alma took on a new resonance for him.

Jensen was jerked away from Milburn, New York when the elevator whirred and moments later the gates banged open.

“Have you eaten anything?” Jared set a bag on the counter and began removing take out cartons. The spicy smell of Indian food filled the room.

“No.”

“Come on then.”

Jensen set the book down on the table. Jared turned and got plates and cutlery out. He slid a place setting across the island to Jensen as he slid onto a bar stool.

“I love the tie you got, by the way. It will look great on you. We’ll have to go somewhere so you can wear it.”

Jensen wanted to say something, but what? We aren’t a couple. I’m not your boyfriend. I’m your hostage. Your whore. What are you doing? What do you want from me? But he said none of those things. He pushed his chicken tikka around his plate and drank more of the chardonnay Jared poured for him than he meant to.

They started watching old movies, but he fell asleep with his head on Jared’s chest before Slim instructed Steve on how to whistle.

***

Jensen awoke with a start and sat up. The room was too dark. It didn’t sound right, didn’t smell right. He was disoriented like he’d been as a kid when he’d gotten turned around in bed and couldn’t find the bedroom door. He twisted around looking for a familiar shape in the dark.

A hand wrapped around his arm. “Jensen, hey, it’s all right.” Jared’s voice was like a beacon.

“Where am I?”

“You’re home. You’re with me.”

And it all came rushing back – the lies and subterfuge, betrayal and panic – and Jensen pulled away, tipped off the edge of the bed and landed on his ass. The bedside lamp came on and Jared was crawling onto the floor with him.

“Hey, hey, it’s all right.” Jared’s hands were on his face. Holding him steady, reassuring.

“No, no, everything is different. Everything I thought …” Jensen was babbling, and Jared looked worried, pained by Jensen’s distress. “I thought … I had contracts, and they were lies. I, I trusted that … I, I want you, I don’t think I…”

“You can’t trust me?” Jared said.

Jensen shook his head. “No, I don’t trust myself. I do what you ask, even when I think I shouldn’t, when I know I’m not supposed to, and it scares me because I don’t know why.”

“I think you do,” Jared said quietly. He pulled Jensen into an embrace and kissed his temple. “Now, do you need to use the restroom?”

Jensen realized he did. Maybe that’s what woke him. He nodded.

“Okay, go ahead. Then come back to bed. We’ll talk about this tomorrow if you want.”

***

Jensen awoke to the smell of coffee, bacon and eggs, and toast. His stomach growled. He’d barely eaten a thing last night. He slid out of bed and found Jared at the stove.

“Wow, you cook.”

“Yeah,” Jared turned to him with smile. “I’m a real Renaissance man,” he said pushing a mug of coffee across the counter to Jensen followed by a plate piled with bacon, eggs and toast. They ate their way through a pound of bacon, a dozen eggs, and half a loaf of bread as though neither had eaten in days. Jared stacked the dishwasher, and they both collapsed on the sofa with one last mug of coffee.

“I may never need to eat again,” Jensen said.

“Mmm, well, maybe a late lunch.”

Jensen looked at him in disbelief.

Jared laughed. “Hey, I’m a big guy.”

“I’m not a midget.”

“Yeah, I like that about you. You’re not made of china.”

Jensen held up the cast. “But I do break, it turns out.”

Jared’s smile faded. “Yeah, about that …”

“Chris talked to me yesterday. I think we’re okay.”

“Okay, good because it’s important that you trust him. Even if you don’t trust me,” Jared said over the rim of his mug.

“I told you …” Jensen stopped because he really didn’t trust Jared or his reactions to Jared.

“Jensen.” And that was it right there. It’d all started with telling Jared his name because Alec would never have let this happen. He wouldn’t have bent all the rules for Jared. He could have gone on blithely taking his pills and being cheated for years. He might never have found out. He might have just slipped away on the bathroom floor …

“What do you want from me, Jared?”

“I want to be with you.” Jared scooted closer on the couch. “I want you to want to be here, with me.”

“Why?” Jensen got up and paced across the area. “I’m broken. I don’t just mean I need a little therapy. I’m really damaged.”

 Jared followed him, took his face in his hands. “I like taking care of you, putting you back together.”

“After you take me apart,” Jensen said defiantly, and he felt sick, hot, chilled, like beetles were rattling along his nerves. He wanted to scratch at his skin, claw them out.

“Jensen, sometimes we have to cut you open to release the poison they’ve been pouring in your ears, your eyes, your mouth …” Jared punctuated each phrase with a kiss. “They’ve been filling you with lies, betrayal, abuse and sealing it over with pills and false sympathy. If I have to cut you open and suck it out of you until I’m sick, I will. I’ll do it forever.”

“Why?”

Jared smiled mildly. “Because you’re mine.” Jensen’s eyes widened with alarm, but Jared just smiled. “I know this isn’t some fairytale love, Jen. I’m not Prince Charming. I’m obsessed with you. I’m not delusional. But I’ll take care of you. I’ll give you what you want and need. I’ll make you happy.”

Jensen scoffed. “You’ll make me happy.”

“I’m a realist – as happy as you’re capable of being.”

“And that’s good enough for you?”

Jared stepped back. “Jensen, get this straight. I’ve been with a lot of guys. Some of them were real catches. Smart, funny, well-adjusted, good in bed – but ultimately boring. In fact, the more of them I met the shorter my attention span got. You told me I have issues, and you’re right. I do.”

“Oh my God,” Jared put his hands over his face and turned away. He dropped his arms to his sides. “So what? You went in search of the most fucked up guy in the city, and you found me?”

“No, Jen, you make it sound simple, and it isn’t. There are plenty of guys more fucked up than you. It’s how you’re fucked up and how beautiful you are and how wrong that is. It’s your need and your submission and your fear. You’re perfect.”

Jensen opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn’t even think, and in a flash, in a moment, he realized that this is where he had to be. This is where it was all leading even if this is where it would all end.

“They won’t let me go.”

“I know that, baby. If the agency were just the Adelle and Mr. Dominic, I’d put it out of business. But it’s an international corporation. It’s in more than a dozen countries. So I’m doing what I’d do in any other business deal, I’m negotiating.”

“So you’re buying me.”

“I’m buying out your contract.”

“So you’ll own me.”

“Jen.” Jared stepped forward again and ran the palms of his hands up and down Jensen’s arms. “I already do.”

Jensen shook his head. He wanted to say no. He wanted to scream it. He wanted to push Jared away, hit him, but he just shook his head. Jared kissed him.

“Come here,” Jared said and pulled him across the room and into the freight elevator.

“Where are we going?”

Jared said nothing, but took the elevator down to the garage. He led Jensen to a pedestrian door in the side of the garage, unlocked and opened it.

“If you want to go, go,” Jared said.

Jensen looked out on the bleak industrial street littered with cardboard and junk metal. He glanced at Jared.

“I won’t stop you if you want to go, but it’s a one time offer,” Jared said.

This was his chance to get away from all the lies and betrayal, the abuse and humiliation. He could go somewhere else, become someone else. He could still have that land, horses, books. He could have a different life, something he decided on, what he wanted. It all went through his head in a split second, and then his heart was pounding. He shied back from the door and felt the band tightening around his chest. What the fuck.

Jared swung the door shut and wrapped his fingers around Jensen’s throat, but he didn’t squeeze. He pulled Jensen against him and kissed him. He pushed his tongue into Jensen’s mouth, and much as Jensen’s body struggled for air, Jared wouldn’t break the kiss. His tongue swept deep into Jensen’s mouth, inside his cheeks, across the ridged roof, under his tongue, and it didn’t stop until Jensen was pliant and moaning. Jared’s hand slipped from his throat to cup the back of his head, and he broke the kiss. Jensen let his head fall against Jared’s shoulder and his arms went around Jared’s waist.

“It’s okay, Jen. I’m going to take care of you.” Jared put his arm around Jensen’s shoulders and pulled him toward the elevator. “Come on, let’s go back upstairs, hmm?”

The moment the elevator gates clanged shut back in the loft, Jared’s hands were on him – tearing at his clothes, grabbing his arms, gripping his hips, turning him, pushing him onto the bed. And Jensen did whatever they urged without hesitancy or resistance. They left him only to reach for the lube, and they were back holding his arms over his head as Jared’s cock pushed into him. Jensen gasped because this was right. He felt his own arousal and Alec wasn’t there. He was gone because Jared was holding Jensen together and taking him apart. Jensen wrapped his legs around Jared’s hips urging him on.

“Jared,” he said, “Jared … I need …”

Jared looked down at him, grinned and crushed their mouths together, stealing Jensen’s breath. “I’m gonna make you come so hard, Jen,” he said when he broke the kiss. “You’re gonna feel so good.”

Jared plunged into him again hitting Jensen’s prostate, sending waves of pleasure through him, like ether set aflame in his veins. Jensen forgot everything – couldn’t have said his name. He was skin on skin – the pressure of fingers on his wrist, mouth on his neck, cock in his ass – every nerve, every cell focused on the slide and rub of their bodies. Jensen arched his back and shuddered as his cock became trapped between their bellies slick with sweat and precome, and that’s all it took. Jared released his hands as Jensen shot slick globs of come over their stomachs and chests. He clutched at Jared’s sides, and Jared sat up pulling Jensen into his arms. Jensen felt Jared’s climax hit him. Jared drove hard into him, arms locked around Jensen, he rocked them through it.

“Jen, so glad you stayed, that you’re mine. You won’t leave me. Tell me. Tell me, Jen.”

Jensen buried his face in Jared’s hair. “I won’t. I won’t leave.”

They clung to each other panting and sweaty. Jared pulled his softening cock from Jensen’s anus, and Jensen felt come dribble over his balls. Jared pushed him back on the bed and swept a finger over his fucked out hole. He brought it dripping to his lips and licked it. He smiled mischievously.

“Full of me,” he said. “Mine.”

They took a long, steamy shower, then, filled with long, wet kisses. Hands explored slick skin in the guise of cleanliness. Jensen couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so mindlessly relaxed. Jared’s touch kept him anchored to the present, and he was amazed that he could lose himself in this, in naked flesh, in its beauty and pleasure. He was pressed between the shower wall and Jared. Their bodies met from chest to groin. Neither was hard, but their hands slid over one another’s bodies and Jared was kissing his neck. Jensen’s head was leaning back against the wall, and he could see the loft ceiling high above through a haze of steam. He heard himself laugh. Jared stopped kissing him and tipped his head forward. He searched his face curiously.

“Are you happy, Jen?”

“I feel good,” he murmured and pulled Jared down for a kiss.

Jared smiled. “I think we should go back to bed,” he said turning the water off.

Before they could get half dry, Jared was pulling him back to the bedroom and onto the bed. He drew Jensen’s soft cock into his mouth, licking and sucking it to hardness. Flicking his tongue into the slit and licking along the vein on the underside, he had Jensen writhing on the bed. Jared held Jensen’s hips down as he sucked his cock into his throat. Jensen moaned and tangled his fingers in Jared’s hair. He forced himself not to pull. Jared pulled off and wrapped his hand around the shaft, sucked hard at the head. Jensen’s hips jerked and he groaned.

“Gonna … oh, Jesus, I …” and he came, hips jerking, hands clutching handfuls of hair. Jared kept sucking until the pleasure became too much. “No no no, stop.”

Jared chuckled as he drew away. He was jacking himself, had been for awhile, and now he straddled Jensen’s chest. With a couple more strokes, he came, shooting thick jets of come onto Jensen’s face. He rubbed it across Jensen’s cheeks with his thumbs and licked it off his forehead.

“So beautiful,” he whispered and began licking around Jensen’s eyes, over his eyelids, his cheeks, nose, sucking it from his lips. He didn’t stop until he couldn’t taste another drop on Jensen’s skin.

By then they lay facing each other, Jensen felt dazed and drowsy. Jared stroked his hair.

“Nap time, Jen.”

They slept and read, ate leftover Indian food, read some more, watched old movies. And this time they were both asleep before lost men opened a restaurant on the banks of the Hudson.

***

Jared had kissed Jensen awake the next morning. He was already dressed for the office, and Jensen wondered when he’d become such a heavy sleeper. He propped himself up against the headboard, and Jared handed him a mug of coffee.

“I have to go into the office,” Jared said.

“I suspected as much,” Jensen said eyeing the suit.

“There’s bagels and cream cheese in the frig if you’re hungry and lunch stuff for later.” He stopped talking and just looked at Jensen, smiled. “I wish I could stay here.” He stroked Jensen’s cheek. Breaking eye contact, he cleared his throat and stood palming his dick as casually as he could. “Chris is going to bring you downtown tonight. We’ll go out for dinner.”

“Okay.”

“Wear that new tie,” Jared said. He leaned against the bookcase at the foot of the bed.  
“Jen, are you glad you stayed?”

Jensen stopped with the mug just short of his lips, and steam rose over his face. He felt a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, but he couldn’t seem to raise his eyes to Jared’s. Jared sat back down on the edge of the bed.

“Jen?” He took Jensen’s hand in his.

Jensen looked up briefly through his lashes. He just couldn’t hold the gaze. It was all too much, too soon. But he nodded. “Yes,” he whispered.

Jared pressed Jensen’s knuckles to his lips. “Good. I’ll see you later then.” Jared had left Jensen, then, to snuggle back into the pile of pillows and drink his coffee.

That had been hours ago before the car accident, before Chris was shot, and Jensen was dragged from the car with Mr. Dominic’s 9 millimeter in his face. Before the panic, before he was drugged and dragged into the director’s office. Before he lost everything again.

Now he was sitting in the director’s office where she was leaning elegantly against the desk.

“Alec, we’re so glad to have you home,” the director said. Home, Jensen thought hysterically, and he wanted to be sick. His stomach turned and his mouth filled with saliva, but he kept his gorge down. He looked up at her in her designer dress and heels. Mr. Dominic was stalking the office like a caged cat, and Jensen’s blood ran cold.

“We have to make an example of him, Adelle,” Dominic said.

“Laurence, don’t be ridiculous,” she said calmly. “Alec was kidnapped by a very wealthy, powerful man. There’s nothing he could have done. You didn’t know, did you, darling, what he was planning?”

Jensen shook his head, and in honesty, he hadn’t known. “No, he said he’d give me a ride back here.”

“Yes,” she said. “That’s the thing though, isn’t it? You didn’t have an appointment with him, did you?”

“We just ran into each other,” he lied. “I thought it was an accident, but I guess, I, he must have planned it.”

“Hmm, I wonder because, you know, Alec, you broke the rules for him before,” she said. “Why should we believe you?”

Jensen licked his lips. His mouth had gone dry and his head was muzzy from the drugs. “It’s true. I didn’t know.”

“I think you’ve been a very naughty boy, Alec.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

“No, why are you doing this? He was going to buy out my contract.”

“The two of you made us look very bad to corporate,” she said. “We have to show them that we can retain our assets. We can’t have them thinking we let the patients run the asylum, you understand that, don’t you.”

Jensen shook his head. “Please, don’t … please.”

“You’ve been a very bad boy, Alec, and Mr. Dominic is going to have to punish you.”

“No!” Jensen shouted. “No, please, I’ll do anything. Please.” He dropped out of the chair onto his knees in front of her. “Please.”

He didn’t see the blow coming that knocked him unconscious.  


 


	7. Silence is golden, I have been broken, Safe in my own skin, So nobody wins

 

When Jensen came to, he was on his knees bound over the edge of a twin bed. The room was blue with airplane decals on the walls. From the corner of his eye he could see that toy cars covered the bureau and Legos were scattered across the floor near an overflowing toy box.

He heard the sound of a belt buckle followed by the whoosh of leather against fabric. “This is going to hurt you more than it will me, baby boy,” Laurence said before the crack of leather on skin made Jensen jump. There was a sharp stinging burn across his back, and he yelped.

“I thought you’d learned your lesson,” Laurence growled before bringing the belt down again. “But you keep defying me. Making me do these things.” Again, he landed a blow. This time across Jensen’s ass.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, not yet you aren’t,” he said as he struck across Jensen’s thighs.

Jensen knew what Dominic wanted. There was no point holding out. Play the game or it will only be worse. “I’m sorry, Daddy. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you do it.”

“Save your breath, baby boy. I’m only getting started.” The belt cracked again and again until Jensen’s back, ass and legs were aflame like bee stings on a sun burn. His skin felt tight and itchy and raw. Tears were running down his face, and he’d bit his lip bloody. Laurence was panting with exertion. He laid the belt on the bed in Jensen’s field of vision and next to it a baseball bat. Jensen’s mind shied away from it. He’s just fucking with your head, he told himself.

“That’s for later, for now tell me what you want,” Laurence said menacingly.

Jensen pressed his face into the mattress for a moment. Play along, you have to. He searched his mind for Alec, but he was alone. He took a deep breath.

“Fuck me, Daddy. Please, I want …” Jensen almost choked on the words. “I want your dick in me, Daddy, please.” He couldn’t help but see his own father’s face – the shock and humiliation – and Jensen felt sick, horrified. His mind was trying to turn itself inside out, and where the fuck was Alec?

Laurence scraped his fingernails over the swollen flesh of Jensen’s ass, and Jensen yelped. “Say it, bitch,” Laurence said.

“Please, I need it. I need your big dick in me,” Jensen begged. “I need you to fill me up with your come. I wish I were a girl, and you could, you could knock me up.” Dominic shoved two fingers into Jensen’s anus, and Jensen whimpered. “Yeah, fuck me, please, Daddy. Make it, agh, make it hurt.”

Dominic pulled his fingers out roughly, and Jensen heard the other man’s zipper. Dominic pushed the head of his cock against Jensen’s hole, and Jensen gritted his teeth as it breached his unprepared anus.

“Yeah, I’m going to make you hurt. You’re going to regret making me do this, baby boy.” Dominic pushed in farther, and Jensen could feel himself tearing, his blood the only lube Dominic would use. “Jesus God in Heaven, how could my little boy be such a whore. You’ll go to hell, baby boy. And you’re taking me with you.”

Please, Alec, please …no, no, no …

Dominic dug his fingers into the abused flesh of Jensen’s buttocks. “Ask for forgiveness, you little whore.”

“I’m sorry, Daddy. Please, forgive me. I, I’ll make it better … I, whatever you want. Come in me, let me suck you, whatever you want …I didn’t mean to be bad.”

“You did …”

“I did, but I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I’m a cockslut. I have to have it, you. I need it, need you, your cock.” Dominic’s cock had felt like the baseball bat battering into him, but now it was slicked with blood, and Jensen wondered if he could bleed to death from this. It was an almost comforting thought as the other man continued tearing his insides. Jensen sobbed into the mattress, and he thought of Jared, the way he’d looked at Jensen that morning. Jensen wanted to be back there in that pile of pillows, the smell of coffee …

“Oh God, you little whore,” Dominic said. He pulled his cock out of Jensen’s ass, untied him, and forced him to the floor. Dominic’s cock was red with Jensen’s blood and he knew what was coming before Dominic forced it into his mouth. He grabbed Jensen’s hair and shoved the head of his cock into Jensen’s throat. He choked on it and on the metallic taste of his own blood. Dominic didn’t let up as he fucked Jensen’s mouth, and tears streamed from Jensen’s eyes.

He screamed for Alec in his head.

“You love this, don’t you, whore? This is what you are. All you’ll ever were, ever will be. A cumhole.” With a groan, Dominic shot his load into Jensen’s mouth. Jensen’s throat was so raw he couldn’t swallow and come trickled from the side of his mouth. Dominic pulled his cock out and backhanded Jensen.

“Swallow.”

***

Jensen woke up on the cold tile of the bathroom floor in his suite. He hurt everywhere. His arms felt as though they’d been wrenched out at the shoulder, his throat ached, and … He pushed himself to his knees. The tile under him and his hands and cast were smeared with dried blood. He could feel it on his ass, and the pain – he dropped his head and panted. Tears stung his eyes. He wanted to get to his feet, but couldn’t. So he crawled into the shower stall and turned the water on. He flinched at the first chilly spray, and as the water heated up he began to sob.

He saw his parents faces that day disappointed and grief stricken as though the boy they’d raised was dead and not just different from how they’d planned. Imagine if they saw him now, if they knew what he’d become, the things he’d done. He had no more tears, but he pressed his face into the corner and keened. He stuffed his fist between his teeth to stop the sound or it would drive him insane. And then, he was laughing because that horse done left the barn a long time ago. He was so far gone from sane. Just as suddenly the laughing turned to anger. He was furious at Jared for taking away all his defense mechanisms and then letting this happen to him. Jared was supposed to take care of him. The bastard knew that the agency wouldn’t just let him go. Isn’t that why Jared was hiding him? Isn’t that why Jared’s bodyguard was watching him? He should have known. He should have been there. He should have protected him, watched over him. Taken a bullet for him.

And then he just ached. He felt bereft. He grieved for what he almost had. For Jared’s arms around him holding him together. He was so filled with poison now. It’s all that was left. Alec was gone. Everyone was gone. He was alone. He was gone.

***

The silence was almost complete. There was the soft whoosh of air through air-conditioning ducts and his own breathing. So maybe he was alone, but he didn’t want to open his eyes. Ever. He wanted to drift back to wherever he’d been. He just wanted more oblivion, but he knew it wouldn’t come. He was alive, and he’d have to deal with that.

Tentatively, he opened his eyes, which were drawn to the walls of windows in front and to the right of him. Beyond the glass lay the lights of the city far below. They stretched toward the horizon fading out to darkness. He blinked in confusion. This was no where he’d ever been. The room itself was dimly lit, painted indigo with wood accents. The furniture was low and modern. And he knew …

“Hey,” the whiskey and honey voice said softly, almost in his ear. Jensen turned his head, and Jared was lying beside him, not touching him but almost. Jensen felt the need of Jared’s touch and hated himself for it. He wanted to protect himself and punish Jared. But punishing Jared hurt too. He turned his head away.

“I’m so sorry, Jen,” Jared whispered. “I should have kept you at home until the deal was done.”

“Chris … is …”

“He’s going to be okay. The bullet didn’t hit any vital organs. He’s already up and around,” Jared said. “It’s nice of you to be concerned about him.”

Jensen still had his eyes on the view. “He took a bullet for me.”

“It should have been me. No, it shouldn’t have happened at all, but since it did, it should have been me.”

Jensen didn’t acknowledge it, just bit his lip, which is a huge mistake because the wound he chewed there himself broke open and started to bleed. Jared rose up on his elbow and started to press a tissue to it, but Jensen flinched away.

“Here,” Jared said and put the tissue into his hand. “Jen, I know I let you down in the worst possible way, and I will never forgive myself, but I can promise you that he will never hurt you again.”

Jensen’s jaw clenched and for the first time he really looked at Jared. He frowned, anger building.

“No, Jen, that isn’t an empty promise. I swear he won’t hurt you or anyone ever again.” Jared’s voice was like steel.

Jensen wanted to ask what that meant, but he didn’t think he wanted to know. He turned away from the fierce look in Jared’s eyes.

“I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me. I hope so,” Jared said quietly. “I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

Jensen’s heart thudded in his chest. All he wanted to was to bury his face against Jared’s chest, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t about to risk what little pride and sanity he had left.

Silence fell between them.

***

The room was bathed in light, and Jensen was instantly awake. Alone. He raised up, wincing. Everything seemed to hurt, and he needed to piss, which is when he realized that he was naked but for the pristine new cast on his arm.

Looking around he slid from the bed and headed toward a doorway that revealed a tile floor beyond. He relieved himself, and then bent over the sink and splashed water on his face. What looked back from the mirror wasn’t pretty – dark circles, a blackened eye, cut and swollen lip. It’s how you make your living, Jensen. You need to take better care of it, he thought.

He headed back into the bedroom wondering what he was supposed to do now, and he was drawn to the view beyond the windows. He pulled the sheet off the bed and wrapped it around himself, opened the sliding door and stepped onto the balcony. He was surprised at the warmth of the morning sun and squinted at its glare. A warm breeze swept around the corner of the building, and he leaned against the railing feeling a little lightheaded.

Down below were tiny cars and people going about their days, heading to work, to the gym, to breakfast. Streets angled away from him across the city, turning to highways and back roads, to ranches and desert. All that life and possibility and he’d spent much of his youth in a room on his back or on his knees.

He put his face in his hands. He’d thought things could change, but he was in a loop of people who let him down and used him. He couldn’t trust others, and he sure as hell couldn’t trust himself, but he could break the cycle. He could stop the ride and get off. Right here. Right now. He looked over the railing.

The door slid open behind him. “Whatcha doin’ out here in Jared’s 600 thread count, son?” Chris leaned on the railing next to him a curtain of hair hid his face until he looked over at Jensen.

“Thinking of jumping.”

“I’ll only have to try to stop you, and I’m really not up for any more strenuous activity this week.” Chris squinted and grinned.

“Thank you.”

“For what? Taking a bullet? I didn’t stop them from taking you.”

“You tried.”

“Well, at least we got you back. I just wish we’d gotten there sooner. I’m sorry for that.”

Jensen shrugged like it was all the same. “You’re going to be okay though, right?”

“Yeah, you too,” Chris said.

Jensen shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

“Jensen, man, I think you’re stronger than you know.”

“You don’t understand …” He sighed. Might as well get this over with. “Where’s Jared?”

“In jail. He’ll be arraigned this morning.”

Jensen jerked upright. “What? For what?”

“Murder.”

Jensen clutched the sheet around him and gaped at Chris.

“He killed Dominic the night we pulled you out.”

“He, he what?”

“I blame myself,” Chris went on. “When we found you, he told me and Clif to get you out, and we did because Jared’s the boss and we do what the boss says.” Without pausing, Chris stepped back into the bedroom and Jensen followed. “And you were such a mess. You really should have had an ambulance, but Jared didn’t want to draw attention. So we carried you out, got you to a doc Jared knows with a private surgery ward. But if I’d been thinking, I’d have known what he was going to do. I wouldn’t have left him. I’d have stopped …” Chris ran a hand through his hair and smiled ruefully. “Who am I kidding, right? I wouldn’t have stopped him. He would have gone right through me, through anything to get that guy.”

“He killed him,” Jensen repeated in disbelief – disbelief that Jared had killed for him, that he’d killed the bogeyman, the devil that had haunted him for five years, that had gnawed at his insides and tore at his sanity.

“Killed him? He beat him to death. They had to identify him with fingerprints,” Chris scoffed.

Jensen sat down on the edge of the bed. _He will never hurt you again_. Jesus, Jared killed Dominic. He’d practically told Jensen. He wasn’t Prince Charming; he was a fucking white knight. And he was in jail. In jail for murder. At a whore house. The CEO of a multi-national corporation.

“Holy fuck.” Jensen’s head snapped up and he looked wide eyed at Chris. “The press.”

Chris leaned back against the bureau and crossed his arms. “Yeah, it’s a real cluster fuck. They’re camped out right now outside the county jail, but I’m sure they’ll be at the courthouse shortly. We could turn on the TV.”

“God, no.” Jensen’s stomach clenched, and if he’d had anything to eat recently he was pretty sure it would come up. He ran the back of his hand over his mouth.

“You know the irony is, none of your contracts at the agency had your real name on them. No one, not even the cops, know who you are.”

“They’ll want to talk to me.” Jensen stood, but swayed dizzily.

“Sit down, son. You need some food.” Chris crossed to the phone and spoke into it briefly. “You can bet they want to talk to you, but they can’t find you,” he said after hanging up.

Jensen sat down with a wince. “Can’t find me?”

“Jared offered to let them search the apartment the first night, but you were still at the doc’s. When they came to arrest him last night, they didn’t have a search warrant.”

“But now …”

“Don’t panic,” Chris said calmly. “We’ll know what they’re doing before they do it. We’ll move you if we need to. That’s what shitloads of money accomplishes, son, and we’ve got shitloads of money.”

“Chris, honestly, is there any way Jared can get out of this?”

Chris shook his head. “I don’t know. He hasn’t confessed, but the police have a really good case. He did it in a rage and didn’t try to cover it up. There’s a lot of evidence. Of course, the boss has the best attorneys – maybe they can poke holes in the case or get evidence thrown out. I don’t know.”

There was a knock at the door, and a maid entered with a tray.

“Jensen, Hortencia. She’ll take good care of you,” Chris said. And in return he introduced Jensen. “This here’s Jensen. He’s real important to the boss.”

She smiled. “Yes, I know, Mr. Jared said yolks runny and coffee black.” She set the tray on the bed next to Jensen.

Jensen swallowed down the lump in his throat. “Thank you.”

“I have to go check on some things,” Chris said. “Don’t pick at that. Eat it.”

“Yeah,” Jensen said without looking up.

“And Jensen, don’t jump. I’d have no choice but to follow you or wait for Jared to toss me off.”

Jensen didn’t know if it was meant to be a joke, but it didn’t sound like one.

“No, no, I won’t.”

“Good, I’ll let you know what happens,” he said as he left.

Jensen ate, not because he felt like it. He didn’t even taste it, but his body must have needed the food because before he realized it, the plate was empty and he was emptying the last dreg of coffee into his cup.

He knew he needed a shower, but he didn’t want to take one. He didn’t want to see his body or touch it. He didn’t want any reminder of what Dominic had done, but the demon was dead. Jared had slain it, and it shouldn’t have any hold over Jensen.

He dropped the sheet at the bathroom doorway, got a towel, and stepped into the shower. When the spray of water hit him an image flashed in his mind of blood running down the drain, and his breakfast nearly came up. He turned and put his hands on the wall near the shower head. He dropped his head and closed his eyes, imagined Jared pressed against his back, hands firm on his hips, teeth on his shoulder. He took a deep breath and released it slowly.

The demon was gone. Gone. He opened his eyes and breathed.

***

He was pulling a t-shirt over his head when Chris stepped back into the room looking grim.

“The judge denied bail. DA says he’s a flight risk.”

“That’s insane,” Jensen said.

Chris looked surprised. “You think so? Yeah, maybe.” He shook his head. “I’m glad to see you’re dressed. Put some shoes on. We gotta go. They’re getting a search warrant.”

Jensen picked up a pair of boots from what appeared to be his side of the closet and pulled them on. Sure enough, perfect fit.

“Where are we going?” Jensen asked as he followed Chris out of the bedroom and to the private elevator.

“The ranch,” Chris said, stabbing the down button.

“Won’t they just get a search warrant for that?”

“Jared doesn’t own it, and it can’t be traced back to him.” Chris was leaning back against the side of the elevator car.

“Who does?”

“Some guy named J.R. Ackles. Must have won the lottery. He’s rolling in it.”

Just then, the elevator doors slid open, and Chris stepped into the parking garage. He held up his hand blocking Jensen’s exit until he’d looked around. Then, he waved him forward to the black Escalade that had been at the loft. They climbed in, and Chris pulled the Escalade onto the street as the police were pulling up in front of the building.

They were silent until they’d gotten to the outskirts of the city, and Jensen couldn’t wait any longer.

“What do you mean ‘rolling in it’?”

“I mean shitloads of money. Jared wanted to make sure you were taken care of if anything happened.”

“Like getting arrested?”

Chris shrugged. “My granddaddy always said to not look a gift horse in the mouth.”

“Yeah, well, mine always said not to buy a plug horse.”

Chris’s jaw clenched. “Jesus Christ, you …”

“What?”

Chris just shook his head, and they fell into silence.

About 50 miles from the city, Chris turned onto a long dirt trek that led to a rambling stucco ranch house with many gables. The sun glinted off leaded glass windows and through shadows under deep eaves. It could have been designed by Wright himself. And beyond the house was a horse barn. Jensen could see horses in the corral nearby.

“Stop,” Jensen said leaning forward. Tires crunched on gravel as the vehicle halted. “When did he buy this?”

Chris huffed out a laugh. “Oh, he made an offer on it the day after your first appointment. It wasn’t for sale, but I guess they just didn’t know they wanted to sell it until they heard the offer.”

Jensen ran a hand over his face. Had Jared just bought a house he liked hoping that Jensen would like it too? Or was there something in Jensen’s suite that had tipped him off? He couldn’t remember. And horses, there were horses. He knew there would be books. But there was no Jared, and that was part of the picture now too, wasn’t it? He leaned back, and Chris drove them up to the house.

Climbing from the truck, Jensen mounted the front steps followed by Chris. He stopped at the front door with its leaded-glass window. He laid his fingertips on the cool glazed tile surrounding the doorway.

“This is mine.”

“That’s right, son.”

Jensen’s head spun around as though he’d forgotten Chris was there.

“But …” Jensen bit his lip.

Chris smirked. “You think he won’t be back for you?”

Jensen just nodded and opened the door.

***  


 

 


	8. I’ve done things I never thought I’d do, Sure it helps to lose myself in you

Jensen loved the smell of a clean stable – the hay and horses, and yeah, even the smell of fresh manure. He loved being there when no one else was around – just the sound of the animals and curry comb over the bay’s flank. The cast had been off for weeks and, although it was stiff and weak for awhile, he was getting the use of his right hand back pretty well. His left hand rested on the horse’s back, and the animal turned and nudged his shoulder with its nose.

“Yeah, I know,” he said quietly. He set the groomer on the side of the stall and pulled a couple sugar cubes from his pocket. The horse took them gently from his hand and he stroked its neck. “You like those?” It nudged him again, and he laughed. “Nah, that’s all.”

Jensen picked up the curry comb to leave. “Shit,” he blurted out at the sight of Chris leaning on the stall door grinning.

“Didn’t mean to startle you,” he said and pulled the door open for Jensen.

“What are you a ninja?”

Chris laughed. “Well, you know in my business, it pays to be quiet.”

“Yeah.” Jensen put the tools away and started for the stable door with Chris alongside. “So …”

“Lunch time.”

“Already?” Jensen glanced up at the sun. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“You just zone out in there?”

“It’s kind of meditative, you know?”

“Yeah, I can see that,” Chris said as they walked up the back steps to the house. “And horses don’t lie or cheat or …” He shrugged.

“Yeah, and there’s that.”

The smell, when he opened the door, made his mouth water. The air was redolent with onions, hot and sweet peppers, cilantro, and lime. He could hear steaks sizzling.

“Oh my God, this job is worth it just for the food,” Chris said.

Jensen grinned. “Better wash up. You know Hortencia won’t let you near the table until you do.”

They both washed up in the utility sink in the mud room. Jensen washed up to his elbows since he’d been grooming the horse.

They were both quiet at the table, to intent on satisfying their hunger to interrupt with talk. They washed down the carne asada, rice and beans, and salad with beer.

“So,” Jensen began as he pushed his plate away, “is there something I should be doing?”

Chris raised an eyebrow and stuffed the last of his steak in his mouth.

“I mean if I own this place, should I be paying the mortgage or utility bills or the employees or something?” Chris just stared at him for a moment, and Jensen felt very ignorant. He’d only ever had a checking account. He’d never paid a real bill in his life. He could tell Chris was fighting a smirk, and he looked away.

“No,” Chris said around the bite of meat. “Look, Jensen, the ranch is paid for. There’s no mortgage. What kind of gift would that be? And, as for bills, dude, you’re loaded. Rich people don’t pay their own bills. That’s what accountants are for.”

“Just how much money do I have?” Jensen asked.

“I don’t know,” Chris said and took a drink of beer.

“Well, I want to know.” Jensen bit his lip for a moment. “Look, what the agency did – telling me that I was making all that money when there was almost nothing – I just, I’m not being greedy. Jared didn’t have to do any of this for me, but he did, and I just want to know where I stand.”

Chris nodded. “That’s reasonable. I’ll have the guy come out here and show you whatever you want to know.”

“I can go into town …”

“No, that’s not an option.”

“Chris …”

“No, not now. Not with the trial going on.” Chris stood and leaned on the table. Jensen trusted Chris but it was a little intimidating. Jensen shied back, and Chris relaxed his stance. “I’m sorry, but the cops aren’t the only ones that are still looking for you. And the agency knows who you are, what you look like. I fucked up once before, and I’m not going to do it again.”

Jensen just nodded.

“All right, well, I’ll see if I can’t get the accountant to come out tomorrow then,” Chris said.

And that’s how Jensen found out just how obscenely wealthy he was. He could pretty much go anywhere and do anything he wanted. The irony was that he didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything other than what he was doing. He could buy as many books as he wanted, and he thought about buying another horse. But he was really just killing time after all.

He felt restless after walking the accountant to the door and wandered around back. Across the way was a six-car garage. He’d never been in it and walked over to take a look. Stepping into the dim and relatively cool interior, he saw a double of the Lincoln Town Car he’d been in the day the agency took him back. His breath hitched in his throat. He quickly looked away. Beyond it was the Escalade that Chris usually drove. In addition, there was a BMW sedan, a Land Rover in a different color from the one at the loft, and a black 1969 Chevy Camaro SS. He ran his hand along the back fender of the muscle car.

“You like it?”

Jensen jumped. Damned Chris and his ninja skills. This time he actually laughed out loud.

“Yeah, it’s beautiful.”

“Want to take it for a ride?” Chris ambled over.

“I can’t drive. I mean, I never learned, you know.” Yeah, skipped that part of being a teenager too, he thought. Busy turning tricks.

“I could teach you.”

“I’m not allowed to go anywhere.”

Chris sighed. “It won’t always be that way.”

“Yeah? Really?” Jensen challenged. Because really, when Jared came back, possessive, controlling bastard that he was, how would things change? And everything that Jensen had been holding down for weeks threatened to boil over. “Seriously, Chris, tell me.”

“Tell you what?” Chris looked honestly confused.

“You told me back at the loft that Jared told you to answer my questions.”

Chris’s eyes shifted away and back. “What do you want to know?”

  
“Everything. No deflections. What was he looking for? Why? Why me? How did he know to buy this place? This particular place? How did he know about the horses? Everything.”

“Jesus, I don’t know,” Chris looked pained. He rubbed his brow. “Okay, the day after he met you. That morning. He told me that you had a lot of books. That you liked Frank Lloyd Wright and horses, and that he knew of a ranch that you’d love. That’s when he contacted the owners and made them an offer.”

That was it? Somehow during that first brief appointment, Jared had seen his books and gleaned from them what his tastes were, and had gone out and spent…

“How much did this place cost?”

“4.5.”

Jensen swallowed. He’d heard that wrong. “450,000?”

Chris smirked. “Four and half million, son.”

“He’s insane.”

“It’s been said.”

“I’m kind of not joking, Chris. He met me for less than a half hour and went out a bought me a four and half million dollar ranch. That’s insane.”

Chris wasn’t smiling now. “I kind of agree.”

Jensen put his face in hands for a moment and paced. When he stopped, Chris was just watching him

“Look, I like you – I do – but his reaction to you makes no sense to me,” Chris said. “But, like I told you, he’s obsessive.”

“Yeah. Yeah, you did. So did he shop around or what?”

“I don’t know what brought it on, but he went to see that bitch Adelle. I wasn’t with him, but the next day he had an appointment with you. Maybe she showed him photos, resumes … I don’t know how it works.”

“None of this makes sense,” Jensen said.

“I agree,” Chris said.

Jensen sighed. “I need a beer. Come on.” He headed toward the door.

“Jensen.”

Jensen turned on him. “Do you work for me?”

Chris’s mouth twitched into a smile. “Sort of.”

“Then I’m telling you to come drink a beer with me.”

When they got inside, they went into Jensen’s favorite room. Hortencia called it his room – not the den or the study. “I put the books in your room,” she would say. “I finished cleaning your room.” “Stevie fixed the TV in your room.” The bedroom was the bedroom, but this was his room.

It was lined with a built in wet bar, media center, bookcases and cabinets that were stuffed with books and movies and CDs. There was a big comfortable couch and chairs flanked by reading lamps. Jensen spent most of the time he wasn’t in bed or the stable in here. He got a couple Dos Equis from the mini frig and handed one to Chris.

“How long have you worked for Jared?” he said sitting down across from the other man.

“Oh hell, eight or nine years.”

“And you said he’s had these obsessive relationships before.” Jensen leaned his elbows on his knees.

“I told you, not like this, but yeah.”

“But not always. He said he used to date regular guys, and they bored him.”

Chris raised an eyebrow.

“That’s not true?”

“It’s true he dated a lot of guys that were,” Chris shrugged, “pretty much like himself – college educated, attorneys, brokers, doctors, and they didn’t satisfy him.”

“So it was a sex thing.”

“I don’t think it was that simple. They were always too independent or too white bread or too focused on their careers. Just not what he was looking for. It was like he had some ideal in his head that no one measured up to.”

“And he thought he’d find it in a whore house?”

Chris looked away and took a drink of beer.

“You’ve known him almost 10 years. Has he always been like that?”

Chris clenched his jaw and didn’t answer.

“What changed?”

“I can’t tell you anything else.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“It’s all the same.” Chris set his empty beer bottle on the table and left.

***

A bar of light cut through the bedroom window from the security light near the barn, highlighting random objects and throwing the corners of the room into deep shadow. Jensen rolled over on his back, feeling adrift on the enormous bed. He stared up at the coffered ceiling for a few moments before swinging his legs over the side and getting up. He knew he probably wouldn’t get back to sleep until almost morning.

He wandered out into the hallway in just boxer briefs and a t-shirt. He didn’t turn lights on. He’d come to memorize all the turns and obstacles to stub a toe on during the weeks of nights he’d spent there. He had to admit it was home, the first one he’d really had since he’d run away. He felt comfortable there in a way he couldn’t remember feeling comfortable anywhere – certainly not at the suite or during his brief stays at the loft or Jared’s apartment. Maybe it felt right because it was really his; at least, it was supposed to be, but he didn’t completely trust that. He’d been duped before. Jared was smart, educated, rich, and Jensen … Yeah, he’d seen the documents, bank accounts, the deed on the ranch, but those could be faked, couldn’t they.

He got a beer from the kitchen refrigerator, disabled the security system, and went out onto the back veranda. He sat down on the steps. Chris would probably give him hell if he knew he was outside in the middle of the night, but he was tired of living under lock and key. And yeah, he knew it was stupid to take chances, but he had more freedom to come and go at the agency. He hated living like a prisoner in his own house. And now at night with sleep no where in sight, the house felt too small, too confining.

He looked up at the stars and noted various constellations. He’d loved astronomy when he was a kid. His dad had bought him a telescope, and they’d go out into the country at night where it was really dark to look at the stars and planets. His mom would pack snacks, sandwiches, cookies, and juice boxes, and they’d have a little picnic in the dark from lawn chairs as they talked about the stars and the possibility of extraterrestrial life. They’d stay out for hours sometimes, and Jensen would be so tired he’d stumble into furniture when he got home. “Shh,” his dad would chuckle. “You’re gonna wake your mom up. Get me in trouble for keeping you out so late.”

Tears ran down Jensen’s cheeks. He wiped them away with the back of his hand and sniffed. Maybe if he’d stayed home … maybe … He could have pretended, but, no, the damage was done the moment the words left his mouth. They’d known it was true. Jensen didn’t lie to them. He’d never needed to. He hadn’t learned like most kids that parents might teach you to tell the truth, but they didn’t really want to hear it. He didn’t learn it until it was too late, and there was no going back.

Now, here he was in this place. He was a rich man. Man? Hell, he wouldn’t be old enough to buy beer for another two months. Still, he was rich thanks to some crazy millionaire who’d committed murder for him. He didn’t know how he felt about that. Well, he knew how he felt about the murder – grateful – but he didn’t know how he felt about Jared. Rationally, he thought he should probably be a little afraid, but alone in the dark with the poison festering under his skin, he felt a desperate ache. He wanted nothing more than those hands, those arms, that mouth and body to hold him down and make him forget. He wanted Jared to tear him open and drain all the poison; to put him back together.

He was still on his own, and that wasn’t about to change, he thought. This is how it is. Is it just me or is everyone truly alone?

A movement in the yard caught his eye. It was a barn cat on the prowl. He made kissy noises at it, and it coyly made its way across the lighted space and hesitantly crept up the steps. It lost all hesitancy when he reached out a hand to it, and it arched up under his palm and began a deep purr.

***

Jensen was sitting on the couch, and Chris was still talking. He was pretty sure he heard his voice, but everything after ‘convicted’ was meaningless. Jared wasn’t coming home. Twenty years to life. And Chris was still talking, but it was just noise, as Jensen stood and walked out.

He went down the hall to the bedroom, shut the door, turned the lock, and slid to the floor. He knew this could happen but wouldn’t happen. No. Couldn’t. It just … The poison that had festered beneath his skin for months was pulsing through is veins, and flowing into his heart, oozing into his brain, clogging up his lungs, and he was choking on it. Gagging and retching on it. There was a pounding, pounding in his head. He crawled into the nearby bathroom, but didn’t make it much past the doorway before the poison was spilling out. It puddled hot and caustic on the floor. It came out his nose, and his eyes were streaming tears. Even when no more came out, he could feel it in him, and his body kept trying to purge it, muscles clenched and aching.

The pounding continued until he recognized the cracking of wood and the bedroom door flew open.

“Jesus,” Chris said behind him.

***

“You must get up now,” Hortencia said. “I have to change the sheets.”

“Later,” Jensen mumbled.

“Now,” she insisted and started to pull the sheet loose at the bottom of the bed.

“No!” he shouted. “Just …” Then he saw her face – shocked and hurt. He rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry. Yeah. I’ll, I’ll go take a shower while you do this, okay?”

She rubbed his foot through the sheet and nodded. He dragged himself out of bed and went into the bathroom.

***

Jensen just wanted to be left alone. He didn’t want people to talk to him because when they did then he thought, and when he thought, then … No, that’s what he didn’t want. He just wanted to drift because in his drifting there were strong arms around him, holding him together. There was a mouth that took his breath. He drifted in that other place while black and white images flickered on the TV.

***

“Get up, son. You can’t lay in bed the rest of your life.”

“Fuck off.”

***

He smelled bacon and eggs and coffee before Hortencia gently shook his shoulder. The tray was sitting on the nightstand. He pulled himself into a sitting position, and she poured coffee into a mug and handed it to him. She waited until he took a sip and then left the room.

***

It was during that time that he began to talk to Jared. He told him everything – about winning the soap box derby when he was seven and getting kissed by Bobby Shaw when he was in fifth grade, about swimming at the reservoir with his friends and the first time he went down on a guy for money. Jared never said anything. He just listened and Jensen could live with that.

***

“I’m serious,” Chris growled, “if you don’t get out of this fucking bed, I’m going to go to the barn and get a cattle prod.”

“What part of fuck off don’t you understand?”

***

Hortencia sang quietly in Spanish as she dusted. Jensen liked it. It was comforting and didn’t demand anything from him. Sometimes she would sit on the edge of the bed and stroke his hair as he lay with his face turned away from her. She would talk to him. “Sé que lo extrañas, querido. Pero no puedes rendirte. Él te ama, y no descansará hasta volver a ti. Y cuando lo haga, tú necesitas estar aquí para él.” He let the sound of her voice wash over him, and sometimes he would lay his hand over hers just for a moment. She would take his hand and kiss his fingers before going back to her work.

***

He didn’t lie in bed all the time. He’d get up every couple of days or so at Hortencia’s urging or Chris’s carping and take a shower. And of course, he wandered around the darkened house at night. Sometimes he watched old black and white movies, usually with the sound off. On occasion he drank bourbon and talked to Jared. Those were the times that he told him the darkest things – of his most loathsome clients and the early days at the agency when he first met Laurence Dominic. On those nights, he didn’t stop drinking until he was unconscious, and he wouldn’t even feel it when Chris hauled him back to his bedroom the next morning.

***

Jensen thought he’d slipped farther into his mind when he felt big warm hands on him pushing his hair back and stroking his cheeks. He heard that whiskey and honey voice and it shook. “Oh my God, Jen.”

Then the hands left him, and Jared was shouting at someone. “Why the fuck did you let this happen?”

“What were we supposed to do shove a feeding tube down his throat?” Chris yelled back.

“Just get the fuck out,” Jared snarled.

“Not the first time I’ve heard that.”

“Now!” Jared shouted, and then his hands were back on Jensen’s arms. “Jesus, look at me, Jen.”

Jensen shook his head and pushed his face into the pillow. “You’re not here.”

“I am. Jensen, I am here.” Jensen felt those strong arms around him and thought that this must be it, I’ve completely lost my mind. “Jensen, come on. Don’t do this, baby. Not now. Not when I’ve finally found you and you’re mine. Come on, Jen.” Jared’s fingers dug into his ribs, and he crushed their mouths together. Jared’s tongue pushed into his mouth, claiming it as his territory, and he didn’t let up even as Jensen’s lungs started fighting for air. And this was real. Jared was really here.

Jensen’s hands came up then and grasped Jared’s arms. They pulled at him and then pushed struggling against him because, no, he couldn’t do this again. Jared couldn’t just come back and do this to him – claim him and leave him.

“No,” Jensen said with a twist of his head.

“Yes,” Jared said and held him tighter. He pushed him onto his back and pressed his weight down.

“No, God damn it.” Jensen felt like he was pushing on steel and silk.

“We aren’t going to keep doing this, Jensen. Stop fighting me.”

But Jensen did. He fought like a mad man, and maybe he was. He was desperate to get away from the pain and the humiliation but knew that he couldn’t run from it; that his only way out was right here. Jared was the drug that killed the poison, but he knew now how addictive it was. He knew what it was like living without it, but he suspected it was deadly. It might be better to die than live without it, but something made him want to fight. Or maybe he just wanted Jared to work for it, to struggle like he had. But he didn’t have the strength or will to fight Jared.

“Make me …”

“What, Jen?”

“Make me forget.”

“Oh, baby.” Jared held his face and kissed him. He sat up and pulled Jensen’s t-shirt and boxers off. He ran his hands over Jensen’s chest, tracing the ridges and hollows of his ribs. “Jesus Christ, Jen.” For the first time, Jensen looked at Jared, and he saw only pain on his face. Jared was kneeling between Jensen’s legs, and he leaned down and began kissing those ribs, tracing them with his mouth, tonguing the sharp jut of his solar plexus. He pressed his face against the hollow of Jensen’s belly and Jensen thought he felt something wet against his skin.

“I’m sorry, Jen. I’m so sorry I let you down. I’ll do better. I promise. I won’t leave again. I swear, baby.” He pressed a kiss to Jensen’s skin and his mouth moved lower as he licked the underside of Jensen’s half-hard cock. Jensen felt that old panic try to ambush him. He gasped and his heart raced.

“Shh.” Jared grabbed both of Jensen’s wrists in his left hand and held them as he took the head of Jensen’s cock into his mouth.  He suckled it gently letting the tip of his tongue catch in the slit. This time Jensen’s gasp was one of pleasure, and it was followed by a low moan as Jared swallowed him down. Jared sucked him all the way down. His throat flexed around the head, and Jensen’s toes curled. He dug his heels into Jared’s sides and his fingers into Jared’s hair. Jared let go of Jensen’s wrists and laid his hand on the sharp jut of Jensen’s hip to keep him from bucking. Jared was working his dick mercilessly, and Jensen felt the urgency low in his gut. It had been so long. So long. His balls were tightening, and he needed to move. The need to thrust was overwhelming, but Jared held him down, held him together. The urgency kept building until he thought he’d fly apart when it … and it did release like an arrow shot from a bow, like a dam breaking. He cried out, sobbed. Jared took it all – the come, the grip in his hair, and bruised ribs. Jensen was alive.

Jared disentangled Jensen’s fingers from his hair and lay beside him. He stroked Jensen’s hair, his face, his shoulder, and then he just pulled him close and held him.

 

 

 


	9. I got you crawling up a mountain, Hanging round my neck, I got you twisted round my finger, Crawling round my legs

  
 

“How can you be here?” Jensen finally asked. He was lying against Jared’s fully clothed body, and he didn’t like it. He wanted to feel Jared’s warm, smooth skin against his. He pushed his hand up under Jared’s shirt and slid it up his chest to his collar bone where he let his hand rest.

“The judge found out Dominic’s wife talked to one of the jurors. He declared a mistrial.”

“Why would she do that?”

“I don’t know. You’d think she was better off without him.”

“No, I mean…”

“Someone probably paid her to do it – the agency maybe.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Jensen shifted around and looked up at Jared. “But they could re-try you, couldn’t they?”

“That’s not going to happen.” He stroked Jensen’s hair.

“Why not?” Jensen propped himself up on one elbow. Jesus fucking Christ, he thought, this is what happens. He let Jared back in and now he would end up leaving again.

“They won’t re-try me. Most of the physical evidence has gone missing. There’s no case without it. It’s going to be okay, Jen.” He pulled Jensen back against him.

The wife paid to corrupt the jury. Physical evidence missing. Jared off scot free. Holy crap. He felt both relieved and a little uneasy. But why? He had what he wanted. That’s what mattered.

“Don’t you care?”

“About what?”

“Even with the conviction thrown out, everyone knows you killed him and why.”

“I don’t care what people think.”

“What about your stockholders. This had …”

“Jensen, stop. First, I stepped down as CEO months ago. Second, that’s not a priority right now. You are.”

There was a knock on the door. Jared pulled the sheet up to Jensen’s waist.

“Come in.”

Hortencia came in with a tray laden with food and set it on the bedside table. Jared and Jensen sat up. Jared handed Jensen a plate piled with enchiladas, rice and beans.

“Just what the doctor ordered,” Jared said.

Hortencia smiled. “It’s good to have you home, Mr. Jared.”

“This isn’t my house, Hortencia. It’s Jensen’s.”

“But you are here with Mr. Jensen, so you are home, no?”

“We’ll see,” Jared said with a faint smile. “Thank you.”

“We’ll see?” Jensen said around a mouthful of rice and beans. “What the fuck does that mean? You said …”

“Eat now. Talk later,” Jared said sternly.

***

Jensen was running the bay around barrels in figure 8s in the corral. He’d urged the big horse a little faster at every other lap. He and the horse were in perfect sync – moving and working together as one, and Jensen wasn’t thinking. He was being, living right then. It felt good to be back after those dark days when Jared was in jail. He pushed the horse just a little faster and no more. He hadn’t ridden much for awhile, and he didn’t want to do something that would get either of them hurt. He made two more laps before he saw Jared standing at the fence. He reined the horse to a trot and then walked it to the fence.

“Hey,” he said.

Jared gave him that dazzling smile. “Hey, you look good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, you like him?”

“He’s beautiful, thanks.”

Jensen slid out of the saddle and walked the horse to the gate, which Jared held open for them. Jensen usually took care of the tack and wiped the horse down when they were finished, but Stevie was there to take the animal back to the stable. Jensen looked questioningly at Jared.

“I need to talk to you,” Jared said.

“Okay.” Jensen felt a knot of apprehension in his gut. Jared started walking toward the house, and he fell in step with him.

“I’ve been away from the office a long time, and I need to get back,” Jared said.

“I understand. I mean, I’m doing okay. You don’t need to baby sit me.”

Jared stopped him with a hand on his arm. “I know that. A lot of it has to do with you being here. The thing is I’m going to be spending a lot of hours at the office at first trying to reestablish myself there. I don’t even know if I can. It’s a long drive out here, and I was hoping that maybe we could go stay at the apartment downtown for awhile. I know there isn’t a lot for you to do there, but … I’d like you to be there with me. If you can’t handle it, you could come back, and when things quiet down we could come back here all the time if you want.”

Jensen nodded. “It’s not like I couldn’t go out, right?”

Jared sighed and looked down. “That’s just it. The tabloids got a picture of you.”

“What? Oh my God … How?” Jensen couldn’t help but think of his family; his brother and little sister.

“It looks like one of the photos from the agency files. They still don’t have your real name though. I’m sorry, Jen.”

***

Jensen was in the kitchen at Jared’s apartment. He’d just gotten out of the shower and wanted coffee, but Hortencia was doing laundry. So, he was digging around in the bottom cabinet looking for coffee filters when he heard the click of high heels on tile behind him.

Turning he saw a woman in her early 50s, wearing a tailored pale blue suit and simple gold jewelry. Her hair was styled perfectly and the look on her face was studiously neutral.

He could only imagine what she saw as he squatted in front of the open cabinet with his hands braced on the edge of the countertop. He was wearing nothing but faded jeans with the knees torn out and a string of bite marks across his shoulders. He stood and turned toward her.

“Can I help you?” He crossed his arms over his chest to try to hide the bracelets of bruises on his wrists. The flicker in her eyes told him she’d noticed.

“I’m Sharon Padalecki, Jared’s mother, and you must be Alec.”

“My name is Jensen.”

“Are you not the boy my son killed a man over?” Her voice was perfectly modulated – pleasant, like they were discussing the weather.

Jensen looked her in the eye. She was one of those well-heeled snobs that had made him never want to be an escort.

“Yes, I am, but my name’s Jensen.”

Hortencia chose that moment to walk in with a basket of laundry, but instead of setting it on the table as she normally would to fold it, she walked between Jensen and the older woman and set it on the counter. She glanced at Jensen with a frown before addressing Jared’s mother.

“Mr. Jared isn’t here now, Mrs. Ma’am.”

Jensen thought he actually saw a look of annoyance cross the older woman’s face, as though she knew Hortencia was messing with her, before she pulled herself up and spoke. “That’s unfortunate, Hortencia. But you may call me Sharon or Mrs. Padalecki.”

Hortencia didn’t appear to be listening as she dug through the laundry basket and handed Jensen a black V-neck shirt.

“Regardless, Jensen and I will have tea in the living room, please.” With that she turned and left the room.

Jensen pulled the t-shirt on and rolled his eyes.

“She has a key, Mr. Jensen. I didn’t think …”

“Es no problema.” He kissed her forehead and followed the clack of high heels on hardwood.

Sharon Padalecki was already seated on one of the leather sofas – back straight, head high. Jensen sank onto the other across from the glass and teak coffee table. He pulled his bare feet up onto the sofa and a pillow against his chest. He knew his posture looked defensive, but he couldn’t help it.

“So, Jensen, are you from San Antonio?”

“No, Dallas.”

“Do you still have family there?”

Jensen shrugged. “I guess so.”

“I see, so you aren’t close with your family?”

“No.”

She frowned. “You know, our family …”

Hortencia walked in then with a tray. She set it on the coffee table, and poured tea from an angular, modern tea pot into a cup abstractly designed to resemble a flower in bloom. She handed it to Sharon and poured coffee into a mug from a thermal pitcher for Jensen. She said something quietly in Spanish to him as she handed him the mug, but all he caught was ‘querido.’

Sharon watched Hortencia leave the room and eyes flicked back to Jensen. He wrapped his hands around the coffee mug taking comfort from its warmth and Hortencia’s.

“You don’t drink tea.”

“I prefer coffee.”

“I see.” Her eyes were on the mug, his hands and wrists.  She took a sip of tea. “Do you let my son hurt you because you like it or so that he’ll let you stay?”

Jensen eyed her over the steaming mug and then dropped his gaze. “It’s what I need.”

Her eyes narrowed briefly before she asked, “Do you see anything good coming from this?”

Well, that was the question, wasn’t it? Jensen thought. He and Jared certainly had a unhealthy co-dependence going on and could that lead to something good? Jensen knew he was broken, knew why he was broken, but Jared … why did Jared need him so bad? Why did he need him the way he did?

Jensen took a drink of coffee. “I’ll tell you what – I’ll answer that if you’ll answer this: I know Jared hasn’t always been this way, what changed?”

She set the tea cup down and shook her head. “I don’t know what happened, but I can tell you when it happened. It was about five years ago. Fourth of July. We have big barbeque every year – friends, family, business associates – and I was angry because he took off with his friends and missed it. That’s why I remember the date. He was different after that weekend, but I don’t know why.”

“Different how?”

She shook her head. “Your turn.”

“Do I see any good coming from this? Some already has.”

“A man is dead.”

“He was evil.”

“You weren’t with him willingly?”

Jensen felt his stomach clench and whatever she saw on his face made her drop her eyes.

“I don’t know if this will end well,” he said. “But we give each other something we need.”

She nodded and took a sip of tea. He was kind of amazed by her, this well-bred moneyed woman who was having a civilized conversation with a former prostitute about his kinky relationship with her son.

“So how was he different?”

“I won’t lie and say he wasn’t spoiled as a child. He was. He was generous with gifts, but possessive of his own things – toys, books, CDs, cars. He was a happy boy – more likely to sulk than lose his temper. He got over it quickly. He looked up to his brother and adored his little sister. He was especially generous with love. But after that weekend, he was restless and … there was something dark, secretive … he’d always been so open and after that he wouldn’t talk. It was like there was something eating away at him, and he couldn’t share it.” She had been fiddling with the hem of her skirt. Suddenly, she stopped and looked up at him. For a moment he saw a mother’s pain in her eyes before her proper-lady mask slid back into place.

The tension in the room went up a notch when the front door slammed followed by heavy footsteps. Jared entered looking imposing in a dark gray Armani suit and deep red shirt. His tie was perfectly knotted, but his hair was wild. He ran a hand through it as he approached his mother. He glanced quickly at Jensen before turning his attention back to her. He bent and kissed her cheek.

“Mother, you should have called instead of almost wasting a trip over here.”

“I did. I called the office but they said you were out. I thought … well, I was mistaken, but Hortencia and Jensen have taken good care of me.”

Jared stepped back. “Would you mind excusing us, Jen. I need to talk to my mother.” He held out a hand and pulled Jensen to his feet. He stopped Jensen as he passed and kissed his temple. “Are you okay?” Jared whispered. Jensen looked up and gave a small nod. “Okay,” Jared said.

Jensen went into the kitchen where Hortencia was folding clothes at the table. He got a beer from the refrigerator. She gave him a disapproving look for drinking before lunch.

“You called him,” he said. He pulled a towel out of the basket – whites this time – and started folding it.

“Lo siento.” She shrugged. “She’s a barracuda.”

“She’s a mother,” he replied.

“A mother barracuda.”

Jensen chuckled. “Okay.”

They continued folding laundry in silence punctuated occasionally by the sound of Jared’s raised voice. Hortencia was putting the folded towels back into the basket when they heard Jared escorting his mother to the door. Moments later he came to the kitchen doorway.

“I have to get back to the office. Don’t wait dinner.” He turned back down the hall, and Jensen followed.

“Jared,” he said, but Jared made no indication he’d heard him. “Jared.”

Jared turned abruptly and Jensen almost ran into him.

“You’re just leaving?” Jensen asked.

Jared grasped his upper arms and leaned in. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You’ve been drinking.”

“I just had a beer.”

“At 9:30 in the morning.”

“Stop trying to make this about me.”

Jared pulled him into his arms and kissed him. “It is about you, Jen. It’s all about you.”

Jensen drew away; eyes searching Jared’s face.

“Look, I really do have to get back, but I’ll try to make it short, okay? I’ll be home for dinner.”

“And we’ll talk,” Jensen said.

Jared bit his lips and gave a slight nod. “We’ll talk.”

***

But they didn’t talk, because Jared missed dinner, and Jensen got a text message an hour later: Crisis. Don’t wait up.

Jensen tossed the phone on the bed in disgust and paced. What the fuck? Was there really a crisis or was Jared just avoiding him? Jared had been avoiding this discussion ever since he got out of jail, and now, faced with it, was he avoiding Jensen completely?

He picked up the phone and called Chris. “What the fuck is going on?”

“Excuse me?” Chris said.

“What the fuck …”

“First,” Chris interrupted, “stop screaming at me. Second, what are you talking about?”

Jensen stopped pacing for a moment and squeezed his eyes shut. “Jared said there’s some kind of crisis at the office. Is that true?” He resumed pacing.

“Look, son, if Jared said there’s a crisis, why would you doubt it?” Chris said with infuriating calm.

“What?” Jensen screamed. He took a deep breath and released it. “Is there a fucking crisis or not?” He growled. “And if there is, what is it?”

He could hear Chris sigh. “Jensen calm down.”

Jensen snapped. It was an ugly feeling – overwhelming and dark. The sound he made was somewhere between a roar and a scream, and he thought he heard Chris say ‘shit’ before the line went dead. He picked up a chair and threw it against a mirror over the bureau. Everything he could get a hold of was broken or torn or smashed. By the time Chris burst through the door, the curtains were blowing in the breeze of two broken glass doors leading to the balcony. Jensen was kneeling on the floor surrounded by shards of glass, broken furniture, and feathers.

Chris swore under his breath. “Feel better?”

Jensen didn’t look up. He just shook his head.

“You know, I thought I’d seen it all, but this is a whole new level of meltdown for you.” Chris picked up the comforter and shook it out. He folded it in half and laid it between Jensen and the door. “Come on. Walk on this. You’ll get all cut up otherwise.”

“Fuck off.” Jensen still didn’t look up.

Chris clenched his fist. “You are really starting to piss me off. Don’t make me come over there and get you.”

Jensen rubbed his face and finally got up and followed Chris.

“Put some shoes on,” Chris said as he dialed his phone. “Hey,” he said into it, “I’m taking Jensen to the loft.” Jensen started to say something, and Chris gave him the talk-to-the-hand gesture. “There was a little accident. … A couple of windows got broken. … Yeah, he’s fine. … Okay, I will.”

“Chris …”

“Just shut up. My patience is up tonight. I’m tired of putting out fires.”

“So there’s really a crisis.”

“He’s fighting for his career.”

“Why didn’t you just say that?”

“I do what I’m told,” Chris sighed.

***

Jensen was sitting in a chair in the dark when he heard the elevator gates clank below and the motor whir to life. The clock on the stove across the room read 2:13 a.m. He didn’t move. He just waited as the elevator rose, the gates banged open, and Jared turned on the recessed lights in the kitchen.

He peered into the darkness and then moved toward Jensen as he shed his jacket, tie, and shirt. He dropped the items of clothing as he moved through the loft. He was behaving nothing like the guy who neatly folded his jacket over the chair in Jensen’s suite all those months ago. Jared was down to his trousers when he dropped to his knees in front of Jensen. He put his head and Jensen’s lap, and Jensen ran his fingers through Jared’s hair.

“How did it go?” Jensen asked.

“I didn’t get everything I wanted, but I’m still in there.”

“Good.” Jensen stroked Jared’s hair. “You want a drink?”

Jared shook his head. “You okay, Jen?”

Jensen took a deep breath. Part of him didn’t want to do this. He wanted to let it go. Jared had had a rough day, but he couldn’t wait. He couldn’t keep waiting. There was always a reason not to, and it couldn’t be put off.

“Fourth of July.”

Jared groaned and pushed his face into Jensen’s lap. He sat down and leaned against Jensen. “I was a couple of years out of college. I’d been working at the company, getting the technology division going. I was out to my family, friends, most of the community that knew me. I had a lot of gay friends, but the guys I was dating weren’t too adventurous. I was bored. Then, I met these two guys. They were into BDSM. I’d done some mild stuff and liked it. Really liked it. They kept telling me about these live shows that they went to. How hot they were and how I might meet someone that would sub for me. So I went. It was in this little theater, and I was surprised that most of the people there were dressed normally. I thought the audience would be a freak show. There were a few subs with collars, a few people wearing tasteful leather but nothing wild. Anyway, when the show started, the stage was done like a dungeon. Three guys came out dressed in leather masks; like executioners. They were big and muscled. Their dicks were already hard. And they brought out this kid. Just a boy. He was beautiful. Completely naked and vulnerable. His eyes were glassy like he was drugged. I said something to the guys I was with, but they just shushed me. When the kid saw the audience, he, well, he hadn’t expected that. He just stopped moving and almost fell. One of the guys leading him slapped him and knocked him down. They tied him up to this rack, bent over, and God help me, he was so beautiful and frightened. I wanted him. I wanted to kill them for touching him. I knew he was drugged; that he hadn’t agreed to it. And God …” Jared buried his face in Jensen’s lap again and rubbed his eyes over Jensen’s jeans.  “Jesus, Jen, the things they did to you. I couldn’t …stop it.”

Jensen had forgotten. How could he forget that; the offer of a lot of money. After weeks on the street of $20 blowjobs, it had seemed like a lot of money. Of course, the guy who’d offered him the job hadn’t told him there’d be an audience. He hadn’t told him he’d be drugged or whipped. He hadn’t said that no matter how loud Jensen screamed or how hard he cried, they wouldn’t stop.

“It was horrible,” Jared said. “I couldn’t … they threw me out. It took three guys, but they did. I hung around. I tried to find out where they took you, but I couldn’t. I just … I thought … oh God, Jen, I’m sorry.”

Jensen vaguely recalled an altercation in the audience as a cock was stuffed down his throat while a cat o’ nine tails was being slapped over his dick and balls. Jared really hadn’t seen the worst of it. And he’d forgotten that it was where Dominic had found him. He’d been in the audience, and he … Jensen didn’t really know … maybe Dominic had bought him. He didn’t remember hearing what went on as he sat there shaking and bleeding and hurting. He just remembered waking up in the suite; his prison. The director had been there. She’d nursed him for days, made sure his body didn’t scar. She’d assured him that she’d take care of him, before letting Dominic train him, break him – before selling him again and again. He felt strangely empty at the memory – as though it’d happened to someone else; some sad, desperate boy that he could only feel sorry for.

“How did you find me?”

“I saw you in Neiman Marcus. I was sure it was you, had to be you. I followed you back to the agency, and I knew it had to be. I made an appointment with the director that day.” Jared looked up at him with shining eyes and wet cheeks. Jensen pushed him back and slid onto the floor with him.

“I don’t understand.”

“I wanted you from the moment I saw you, Jen,” Jared’s voice was low and quiet. “And I was so ashamed for not helping you that night. I’d let you down and myself. It was like I’d cheated myself of the one thing I ever truly wanted. I could have almost any guy, but the one that I wanted more than anything, the one that would satisfy me, I’d lost for myself. I tried to forget. I tried other guys, bigger kinks, but none of it worked, when all I wanted was to tie you up and fuck you until you screamed.”

Jensen felt a twist of arousal in his gut but pushed it away. “I’d forgotten about that night. It’s where Dominic found me; how I ended up at the agency. You didn’t see the worst of it.”

He could see in the dim light that tears were continuing to spill from Jared’s eyes. “I’m so sorry, Jen. I thought I was saving you. I swore I wasn’t going to hurt you, but that’s all I’ve done. That first night at the agency, I wanted you so bad, but I saw you were drugged and I didn’t want it like that. I had no idea what it was covering up. Once I took it from you, there was no going back and I …”

“You intended to steal me from the agency from the beginning.”

Jared nodded. “I shouldn’t have taken you. I should have just bought out your contract. They would have let you go if I’d offered enough money. But I was selfish. I couldn’t wait. I’m sorry. It’s all my fault. I’ve fucked things up so bad, Jen. I hurt you. I never meant to. Not like that. Dominic got to you again, and it’s my fault. I did that to you.” Jared sobbed.

“Shh,” Jense pulled Jared close, and the bigger man shook in his arms. Tears soaked Jensen’s shoulder. They sat that way until Jensen’s legs were falling asleep and Jared quieted.

“Come on. Let’s go to bed.” Jensen drew back and stood. He offered Jared his hand, and Jared looked up uncertainly. “Come on,” Jensen repeated. Jared took his hand, and Jensen pulled him to his feet. Jensen stripped down to his shorts and slid under the covers. Jared followed suit.  Wordlessly, they tangled themselves together and fell asleep.

***  


 


	10. It’s so insane, You’ve got me tethered and chained, I hear your name, And I’m falling over

 

Waking up next to Jared always felt right. It had never not been comforting, safe. This morning of all mornings, Jensen needed that.

He nuzzled his face closer into the curve of Jared’s neck, and Jared shifted slightly. The hand on Jensen’s waist pulled him closer before relaxing, but Jensen sensed Jared’s wakefulness. He opened his mouth wide and bit down gently on the muscle in Jared’s neck. In one fluid motion, Jared rolled him onto his back and was propped on his elbows above him. Blood rushed to Jensen’s cock, and he was almost panting with arousal. Just that fast and just that easy, Jared had that affect on him. He was surprised and maybe a little embarrassed by it. He used to be a professional. Jared didn’t say a word. Their faces were nearly touching, but Jared didn’t move. His gaze seemed to caress Jensen’s face.

“What do you want, Jen?”

“You know.” He squirmed under Jared.

“Tell me.”

“I want you to, to hold me down, fuck me, take me apart, mark me, own me, put me together.” He could feel tension rising in Jared. His eyes darkened and his dick was hard against Jensen’s. “Fill me with come. Make me remember who I belong to. Don’t let me go.”

Jared drew Jensen’s arms above his head and pinned them down as the weight of his body immobilized him. He crushed their mouths together – claiming it, stealing Jensen’s breath until he felt faint.

“This will never be white bread, Jen.”

Jensen just squirmed and moaned in response. Jared pulled the shackles from behind the bed and closed them around Jensen’s wrists. With no cast this time, the cold steel was like a bite on both wrists, and he arched his body up against Jared’s heat. Jared laughed darkly.

“Don’t worry. I’m gonna take care of you, baby.” Jared got to his knees and picked up Jensen’s t-shirt from the floor. He twisted it and tied it over Jensen’s eyes. Jensen went still, and Jared kissed him gently on his mouth and jaw, skimming his teeth down Jensen’s neck, sucking a bruise on his collar bone, kissing along his chest. The whole time he rubbed and twisted Jensen’s nipples until his mouth replaced his fingers on one and then the other. He sucked and worried them with his teeth until they ached, and he knew just as cold metal touched him what was happening. He cried out in pain as the clamps closed on each in turn. Jared kissed the left and then the right sending sharp shocks of pain through Jensen. He whimpered. Jared leaned back on his heels. His hands slid down Jensen’s sides to his hips.

“God, you’re so beautiful, Jen. Perfect. So needy, so willling.” Jared leaned over and bit down on Jensen’s hip; not enough to break the skin, but enough to bruise. He kissed and then sucked at the spot until Jensen felt a delicious ache.

The shackles bit into his wrists, and the clamps shot needles of pain into him. Jared’s mouth – fuck but that wicked mouth made him writhe. He needed Jared inside him. He needed to be filled. He wrapped his legs around Jared and tried to pull him closer. Jared pushed them back to the bed.

“Don’t make me shackle your feet too,” he said.

The threat alone ramped up Jensen’s need, and he groaned. Jared flipped him over and pulled him to his knees. With his hands still shackled above his head, his face was pushed into the mattress. He turned his head to the side so he could breathe.

Jared pulled his cheeks apart and buried his face between them. He licked and sucked Jensen’s anus. Jensen couldn’t begin to describe how hot that was; so sweet and dirty, like Jared was eating a juicy peach. No one had ever done this to him, for him, but Jared was slurping and sucking his ass like he needed it to survive. He shoved the slick muscle of his tongue into the tight heat until it was loose and open, and Jensen would have done anything, taken anything, for Jared at that moment. Jared pulled back and nipped Jensen’s right cheek.

“Fuck, the way you respond to me, baby. The way you open up for me. You want this? Huh? You want me inside you, Jen?”

“Please, please,” Jensen whined.

“Yeah,” Jared licked his hole again, teased it with his tongue, watching it open and close like a hungry little mouth. “I’m gonna fuck you, Jen. I haven’t come for days, and I’m gonna fill you so full. I’m gonna make you come on just my dick. Not gonna touch you. Gonna make you scream.”

Without another word or touch Jared buried his cock in Jensen’s ass, which was slick with spit and precome. Jared started out slow, barely rubbing the head of his cock over Jensen’s prostate, slowly amping up the charge of electricity at the base of Jensen’s spine until Jensen was lost to it. His body was pushing back against Jared with every thrust, and grunts and moans escaped his throat. His cock ached and pooled precome on the sheets.

“Not yet, Jen. Don’t come until I say.”

“Please, please, please, I, oh, God, I need…” The words trailed off to unintelligible sounds as Jared increased his pace, and Jensen was overwhelmed with pleasure and pain. The signals tangled and his nerves short circuited in a deafening blare of feedback. Jared rubbed his thumbs over the nipple clamps, and sound was ripped from Jensen somewhere between a sob and wail. The pain caused his anal muscles to clench, and it sent Jared over the edge. He released the clamps. The flood of blood back into the abused flesh made Jensen cry out.

“Now, Jen. Come.”

Jensen’s body clenched like a fist, like he’d been struck by lightning. He could hear his own moans and whimpers as the waves of his climax rolled through him. Jared continued moving in him, lighting up that bundle of nerves beyond the point of pleasure, and when he finally withdrew, Jensen was boneless. Jared’s hands on his hips were the only thing holding him up. Jared licked over his hole and pushed something cold into him.

“I want you to keep that in all day. You’re full of my come and this will keep you plugged up. Keep you full.” Jared released the shackles and manhandled Jensen onto the dry side of the bed. He laid him on his side. “Lay here for awhile and let your muscles tighten up.” He swung his legs over the side of the bed, and Jensen weakly gripped his arm. “I have to go into the office for awhile, baby. But you know what to do, right?”

Jensen felt muzzy headed and languid, but he knew. Keep Jared inside him and wait for him to come back to claim him. Wait. Jensen tried to put all his need into his eyes. Jared smiled faintly.

“I know, Jen. I wish I could stay.” He petted Jensen’s hair and kissed him. “Go back to sleep.”

Jensen didn’t sleep. At least, he didn’t think he did. He drifted and floated. Jared’s touch haunted him; his hands, his mouth, his cock. That voice smooth as Four Roses echoed in his head. “You’re so beautiful, Jen, perfect, own you, mark you.” Jensen liked not thinking, just being. He liked being just this body. This body was all he was. It was enough. It was good.

The need to relieve his bladder pulled him from his reverie. He rolled out of bed and steadied himself against the bookcase, and oh God, the plug inside him pulled at his muscles and rolled slick and warm inside his channel. His dick wanted to go hard. He froze and kept his breathing even. He gingerly walked to the bathroom, leaned on the wall over the toilet and relieved himself.

He reached behind his back and slid his fingers into his crack. Nestled between them was a metal ring, and he knew what it was attached it. A thin metal shank led from the ring to a heavy, chromed plug; almost like a ball bearing. And he understood the physics of it – the way the weight of the plug pulled at his anal muscles; the way it moved as he did, pressing and rolling. Fuck, he was going to be aroused all day, and there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn’t take it out. It was holding Jared’s load inside him. The thought of it made him even harder.

He picked up the phone and texted Jared: _I need you_.

A moment later, he received a reply: _Patience_.

He groaned. He’d lie down. It hadn’t really bothered him when he was in bed. He crawled back into bed. Okay, this was better. Just relax. His stomach growled. Shit, shit, shit. He couldn’t just lie here starving all day.

He texted Chris: _I’m hungry._

_So eat._

_Asshole._

_It’s been said._ He could almost see Chris grin.

_I want Chinese._

_Fuck. Fine. What?_

_Singapore noodles, eggrolls, beer._

_You’re out of beer?_

_I don’t know._

_Go look._

_Just get more._

Jensen had his dick under control, and he hadn’t moved in a half an hour when he heard Chris on his way up.

“You gonna eat?” Chris said as he started to set the bags on the counter.

“Bring it over here.”

Chris walked to the bed and stopped. “You aren’t tied up. What’s the deal?”

“Don’t ask.”

Chris frowned. “Did he hurt you?”

“No.” Jensen grabbed one of the bags and started pulling containers out of it.

“Then what is it?”

“Seriously, Chris, you don’t want to know.”

“Jensen.” Chris held a beer just out of reach.

Jensen lunged for the beer, and the plug shifted and rolled. He groaned and pulled is knees up. He was getting hard, and his face flushed.

“Just leave it alone.”

“What the fuck?” Chris pushed on Jensen’s shoulder and made him look up.

“It’s just, you know, a plug.”

Jensen saw realization on Chris’s face. “So take it out,” he stammered.

“I can’t.” Jensen had calmed down in the face of Chris’s discomfort. Eating was again a pressing issue. He grabbed an eggroll and tore into it.

“What … why not?”

“Not allowed to,” Jensen said with a mouthful of noodles. It was so good – hot and spicy – not better than sex but a close second.

Chris was sitting on the edge of the bed with his mouth hanging open. Jensen picked up the extra eggroll and shoved it between Chris’s teeth. The other man snapped back to reality. He pulled the eggroll from his mouth and scowled.

“Asshole.”

“They’re good,” Jensen said.

“You’re still an asshole.” Chris took a bite of the eggroll.

“I was trying to get you to quit thinking about it.” Jensen’s lips were burning, and he finally snagged the beer from Chris.

“Aagh, now you’ve got me thinking about it again.” He shoved the rest of the eggroll into his mouth and stood. “You want another beer?”

“God, no, getting up to piss…”

“Stop. Just … don’t, okay? Need anything before I go?”

Jensen batted his long lashes and smiled slyly. “A sedative.”

“Number one, don’t flirt with me. I’m immune to your charms. And number two, you know the rules.”

Jensen laughed. “Just playing with you.”

“Did I mention, you’re an asshole?”

“But easy on the eyes.”

“And conceited.” Chris started picking up the empty wrappers and half-full food containers. Jensen pitched in.

“Chris.”

“Hmm?”

“Did you know about the Fourth of July?”

Chris sat down heavily on the bed.

“Jensen.”

“You did. Were you there?”

Chris shook his head. “No, he told me later.”

“Why didn’t you tell me when I asked?”

“It wasn’t my story to tell.”

Jensen nodded and picked at a thread on the comforter. “Chris, Jared and I are broken. That broke us. All those broken parts … sometimes they cut, but mostly they fit together, you know?”

Chris sighed. “Jesus Christ. I thought I knew Jared. I’ve known him a long time. He’s my boss, but we’ve been friends since second grade. I’d like to say that he’d never really hurt you. The Jared that I used to know wouldn’t have, but I just don’t know anymore.”

“He won’t.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do though.”

“No, you don’t, and both of you are playing a really dangerous game. This isn’t love, Jensen. It’s obsession – for both of you.”

“It’s what we need. It will work out.” Jensen shrugged. “Or it won’t.”

Chris stood and ran a hand through his hair. “My God, you are so frustrating.”

Jensen shifted on the bed, and he was beginning to like the feel of the plug. It kept him off balance.

“And you better not let Hortencia hear you talk like that. She’ll tan your hide,” Chris said.

“I miss her. Do you think she misses me?” After the beer and food, Jensen was feeling sleepy. He rubbed his eyes.

“I think she’d adopt you like you were her own young ‘un,” Chris said with a grin. “You gonna be okay for awhile?”

Jensen burrowed into the pillows and yawned.

“I guess that’s a ‘yes’ then.”

***

He couldn’t keep his mind from drifting to that boy who was led out onto that stage in front of the lights. The one who was bound, naked and vulnerable, who was spanked and whipped, fucked fore and aft in front of dozens of eager eyes. The memory was disjointed. Maybe it was because of the drugs he’d been given, it was like a film with pieces missing. He didn’t really remember the pain. He knew there was pain. He remembered the days of pain after but not that night. That night, he remembered the crippling humiliation. He remembered the sound of his own screams and sobs. He’d heard someone begging for the whips and the pain and the cocks. He guessed it was him. He thought there were three of them, but it seemed like more, like cock after cock was stuffed in his ass and his mouth. He didn’t know if it was the drugs or they were just taking turns. Were there really that many? It felt like hours, but were the drugs just stretching time? Being fucked hadn’t been that bad at first, but they really pounded him, one after the other, again and again. How could they keep it up for so long without coming themselves.

Finally one got underneath him on a bench and thrust up into him. “You think you can take us both? Huh, cockslut? Two big dicks in your tight little ass?” He laughed. “We’re gonna split you in half.”  And that’s how it’d felt when one of the other guys started shoving into him from behind. He remembered his head snapping up and the sound of his scream. They laughed at how hard it was to get them both inside him, and when they did, they said it was the best thing ever. “He’s bleeding,” the one behind said. “Fuck, that’s hot,” the other replied. “I wish I could see that.” And they started to ride him hard. He remembered begging them to stop. “Shut up, cumhole,” one of them said. “Jesus, shut him up.” The third stepped forward and shoved a cock in his mouth. He laughed, “That’ll shut him up.” The guy grabbed his head and started fucking his mouth; ramming the head into his throat and gagging him. Maybe it was only moments but it seemed ages before the guy pulled out and came on his face. It stung his eyes and blinded him. “Ain’t that pretty,” the guy said. The one behind him pulled out of his ass, and he felt hot jets of come shoot across his back. The one beneath him slammed hard into him again and again before sliding out. One of them stepped in front of him and lifted his head. The guy’s dick was still half hard and smeared with the boy’s blood. He rubbed in onto the kid’s face.

The three went to the front of the stage, and the audience applauded. They walked off, and the boy was left hanging there on the rack, bleeding and broken, but that wasn’t the end. The audience was allowed onstage then to admire and further his degradation. One lifted his head by his hair and smeared the come and blood over his face. She shoved her messy fingers into his mouth. Fingers pinched his nipples and shoved into his torn and bleeding hole. He wasn’t crying anymore. He wasn’t screaming or begging them to stop. He was too worn out, too fucked out. He was reconciled.

Jensen wondered how that traumatized kid could have turned into him. How could he have become someone who got off on his lover tying him up, controlling him, hurting him? How had the wires gotten so sickeningly twisted? But then Jared never humiliated him. He never treated him with anything but care and respect. And no one had ever cared about what Jensen wanted or needed; not a single client, certainly not the director. But Jared did. He cared a lot. He was sensitive to Jensen’s every movement, every expression, every word.

He rolled over and felt the plug shift again. He wiggled his ass against the mattress, and God, that felt good. He already had half-wood from the sensation, and he just wanted Jared to come home. Home. Isn’t that what Hortencia implied, wherever Jensen was was Jared’s home?

He picked up the phone and texted Jared: _When?_

The almost immediate reply: _On my way, baby_.

He groaned and palmed his dick. Stop. Jesus, don’t make it worse than it is. He got up and restlessly went into the kitchen. He started rooting around in the refrigerator and found a bottle of champagne in the meat drawer. He wondered if Jared was hiding it; maybe saving it for something. Too bad, he’d have to buy another. He put it in the ice bucket, dumped the ice bin into it, and set it by the bed with glasses. Then, he grabbed a couple of Jared’s nicest ties and a roll of duct tape.

And when Jared found him in the elevator, his pupils blew dark. Jensen could only imagine how he looked sitting bare assed in the corner with his knees drawn up. Jared’s beautiful silk ties – one in shades of purple and gray, the other in burgundy and navy – tied securely around his ankles and wrists stood out against his pale skin in the glare of the elevator lights. Jared must have liked what he saw considering the low growl he made. He slammed the gates shut and started the elevator moving, before dragging Jensen to his feet and shoving him against the wall.

“What the fuck are you trying to do to me?” Jared demanded. His mouth was practically pressed against the duct tape over Jensen’s. He shut his eyes and rested his cheek against Jensen’s for a moment. Jensen’s heart was pounding. “You don’t know what this does to me. This offer from you. Oh my fucking God, Jen.” Jared’s hand slid down Jensen’s back and between his ass cheeks. He wiggled the loop on the plug, and Jensen moaned in his throat. And then Jared did press his lips hard and demanding against the duct tape.

Jared reached over and stopped the elevator car when it reached the loft, but he didn’t move to open the gates. Instead, he dropped to his knees, untied Jensen’s ankles and pushed his feet apart to steady him. Again, he reached behind Jensen and played with the loop, tugged gently on it. Jensen moaned, and Jared wrapped a big warm hand around his hard cock. He swirled his tongue around the head and into the slit, and without warning swallowed it down. Jensen’s legs trembled as the head of his cock slid over Jared’s velvety tongue and into the tight hollow of his throat. He could already feel the tension building, his balls tightening. He’d been too aroused all day to last. He was making desperate grunts and moans in his throat, and Jared was laughing around his cock. He was thrusting into Jared’s mouth, and Jared was letting him. His climax was quick and almost painful. Jared kept sucking until it did hurt, and Jensen was whimpering. Jensen collapsed onto Jared’s lap. Jared pulled the duct tape off Jensen’s mouth and kissed him. His mouth was filled with his own come, and he drank it down. He licked the taste of himself out of Jared’s mouth.

Jared stood and pulled Jensen up with him. He opened the gates and pushed Jensen into the loft. He bent him over the nearest horizontal surface, which happened to be the kitchen counter. He paused a moment, hands caressing the globes of Jensen’s ass, before pulling the plug free. Jensen immediately felt empty and needy.

“Jared.”

“Don’t worry, baby, I’ve got you.”

Jensen heard the zipper of Jared’s pants and then the head of his cock was pushing into Jensen. His channel was still wet with Jared’s come but tight and sensitive from the plug. Jared licked a trail up Jensen’s back as he pushed in. When Jared had them pulled together as tightly as possible he stopped. Jensen could feel Jared’s hot breath on his back.

“You’re all I ever want, Jen. You are perfect. Everything I need.” His hands slid over Jensen’s stomach and chest. A thumb caressed his nipple. “You won’t ever leave me.”

“No, never.”

Jared’s hands moved back to Jensen’s hips, and his fingers dug in as he began to thrust into him. Somehow Jensen knew that Jared was watching as his cock piston into his hole like a voyeur of his own passion. Jared was banging him hard, and he had to hold tight to the counter to keep from being slammed into it. Before long Jared’s rhythm faltered, and he pushed deep into Jensen with a grunt followed by a string of curses and endearments that made Jensen smile. Neither of them moved for a few moments. Jared’s cock felt so right inside him that Jensen hated for him to pull out. When he did, Jared pressed a paper towel between Jensen’s cheeks and turned him around.

“That was amazing,” he said drawing Jensen into his arms and kissing him.

“I missed you today.”

Jared smiled. “Yeah? With a homecoming like that, I may have to leave a lot more.”

Jensen put his arms around Jared’s neck and pulled him down for a kiss. “Don’t you dare leave me in the lurch like that all the time. I almost went crazy.”  

Jared kissed him again long, hot, wet, deep. When he finally broke the kiss, he nuzzled Jensen’s neck.

“I’m thinking a shower and then a movie in bed,” he said.

“You aren’t hungry?”

“Mmm, yeah, maybe food too.” He smiled slightly. “Something that goes with champagne.”

“Oh, you spotted that, did you?” Jensen asked. “Were you saving it for something special?”

“Mm-hmm, you. So it’s all good.” Jared kissed him again.

Jensen smiled. “That was kind of cheesy.”

Jared chuckled. “Yeah, but true. Why don’t you order some food. I’m going to take a quick shower.”

Jensen order in from the sushi place up the street and changed the bedding while Jared showered. That he’d been lying in a bed stained from the morning activities all day long must say something about his kinks, he thought. He shrugged and dismissed it. Sure wasn’t the worst of them, he thought.

He showered while they waited for the food, and when he came out of the bathroom, Jared was already in bed with take out containers spread around him. He slid into bed next to Jared and kissed him. He took the opportunity of grabbing a sushi roll off Jared’s plate while he was distracted.

Jared laughed. “I saw that, you little thief.”

Jensen popped it in his mouth and settled back against the pillows. “So what’s on?”

“It Happened One Night.”

“I love this movie,” Jensen said, eyes fixed on the TV.

Jared’s eyes were on Jensen. “Yeah, figured you would.”

***  


 

 


	11. You look so fine, I want to break your heart, And give you mine, You’re taking me over

 

Jared had already left for the office, and Jensen was cleaning up breakfast dishes. He’d set Jared’s iPod on shuffle. It was a pretty eclectic mix – from Johnny Cash to Led Zeppelin, Dr. John to Nine Inch Nails. Jensen couldn’t help but smile when the Monkees _I’m a Believer_ came on. Really, he thought, who is this guy? Then, he laughed out loud. Oh yeah, the guy that blew me in the shower this morning.

They had awakened slowly, silently, with almost barely there caresses and kisses. Jared’s hand would slide down Jensen’s back and come to rest just above the swell of his ass. Jensen would lick Jared’s neck and softly suck at his pulse point. Jared would kiss the freckles on Jensen’s cheeks and pull Jensen’s thigh up over his. For a time, they would lie motionless, just feeling the press of each other’s bodies, their warmth, listen to their soft breathing, and then a hand would slide, rub, caress. Lips would seek, suck. Teeth would gently scrape, nip.

Jared let out a satisfied moan and extricated himself from Jensen’s limbs. He took Jensen’s hand and pulled him into the bathroom. And Jensen smiled at the memory of those big, warm hands slipping over his wet skin. Jared didn’t have to fuck him and fill him to own him. All it took were his hands mapping his body over every rise and swell into every divot and crease. And that talented mouth taking him in said: _This is mine. You belong to me._ Jensen answered: _Yours. Only yours_.

Jensen started to get aroused at the memory and pushed it down. He polished the granite counter until it was like a mirror and poured himself another cup of coffee. He leaned back against the cabinet and sipped the dark, bitter brew. What to do today?

The buzzer for the street door intercom sounded. He approached it hesitantly. Neither Jared nor Chris would use it. He hit the button, “Yes?”

“Jensen, it’s Sharon Padalecki. May I come up?”

“Jared isn’t here.”

“No, I know. I need to speak with you.”

Jensen hesitated.

“Please, Jensen, it’s important. Just buzz me in. I know how to operate the elevator.”

He paused again and pressed the button to unlock the street door.

Moments later he heard the elevator gates clang and the motor start. He was a little surprised by her appearance when she opened the elevator gates to the loft. She was wearing pressed khakis, a button down shirt and loafers. Her hair was neatly tucked behind her ears, and the only jewelry she wore was a simple gold watch. Her appearance was a far cry from the put together society matron he’d met at the apartment.

“Coffee?” he offered.

“Yes, if you have some made.” She sat on a stool at the island.

He nodded and poured her mug full. “Do you take anything in it?”

“No.” She shook her head and looked into the cup set before her as though debating how to proceed.

His mouth was suddenly dry, and he swallowed with difficulty. “So … you needed to talk to me?”

“Yes, you need to know. I talked to your mother.” She looked up right into his eyes as though telling him this was the truth. You heard me right, the look said.

His mind went completely blank as though he couldn’t process what she’d said. He suddenly didn’t understand English. Then, he could, and it hit him. His mother. Almost six years, but he could see her sitting at the kitchen table like it was yesterday. Tears were running down her face and she was saying, “Oh God, Jensen, oh God, you don’t know what you’re saying. That’s not true. You can’t. You’re my baby, you can’t go to hell. That can’t be what you want.” His stomach clenched, and he felt nauseous.

“She … why? Why would you?” he heard himself say.

“She contacted me,” she said. She took another sip of coffee. “She thought I would understand. That we had a lot in common.”

“How so?” He suddenly felt very wary and not a little angry.

She pursed her lips. “Jensen, have you considered how this has affected your family or ours? Your mother saw that tabloid photo of you. That’s the first time she knew if you were alive or dead in five years.”

He nodded and dropped his head. “It’s the first thing I thought of when Jared told me that the photo was out. That they’d see it. That …” He squeezed his eyes shut. “That it’s just another humiliation, another regret. That they’d prefer …”

Her eyes widened. “Is that what you think? That they’d prefer you were dead?”

He met her gaze. “Of course, they would. I’ve been nothing but shame to them since I came out to them.”

“My God, you are tragic,” she said. “Look, I can’t speak for your family, but I know that your mother greatly regrets things that were said that day. She loves you.”

He shook his head. “She loves the kid she thought I was up until that moment. But when I told them that I was gay that started changing, and the things I’ve done … I’m not that kid at all anymore. I’m just beginning to figure out who I am now. If I’m salvageable, if there’s anything left of me, that’s because of Jared. I’m still not sure.”

Her face softened. “Jensen, I can’t imagine what you went through. I don’t want to know. But this has been a nightmare for our family on our own level. We were respected in this community. It may seem petty to you, but we still have lives to lead – friends, responsibilities, work – and it isn’t easy getting up every day and going out there and holding your head up when your son is on trial for murder. When everyone knows he did it for …” She faltered.

“A whore.”

“A prostitute. I don’t think that defines you, but it was your job.” She paused. “What I’m getting at is that this has been difficult for everyone. Jared is determined to be with you, and even if he gave you up, it wouldn’t erase what’s happened. I don’t think you’re a bad person. In fact, he assures me you are nearly perfect.”

Jensen let out a bitter laugh. “The glass isn’t just half full. It’s brimming over despite the gaping crack in it. How did you raise someone so optimistic?”

She smiled ruefully. “I told you he is generous with love.”

He raised the coffee cup to his lips to hide the small smile. “You did.”

“Given that things are what they are, I think that it is best for our family to support the two of you. I’m not sure what to call you, a couple, boyfriends, I don’t know, but Jared is my son, and that makes you family too.”

Jensen felt a little twist in his gut. “And what about your husband, your other son, and your daughter? What do they think?”

She gave him a steely gaze. “I told you, I think it’s best that we all be supportive. They haven’t disagreed with me, but …”

“I see. It’s like that.”

“It is.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m glad you understand,” she said. “Because I think you should talk to your mother.” She stood up and placed a piece of paper on the counter. “Here’s her number. I expect you to call her within the week or have an excellent explanation for why you haven’t. Your untimely demise might be an excuse.”

“Sharon …”

“I told you, you are family now. Act like it.” She turned on her heel and got into the elevator. “You and Jared should come to dinner soon. I’ll call and arrange it with his schedule.” She pulled the gates shut before he could say another word.

***

That night he talked to Jared about his conversation with Sharon. Jared told him that there was no way around his mama. “You might as well just get it over with,” Jared said. “She’s not going to let you off the hook.”

The next day, Jensen unfolded the piece of paper Sharon left and looked at the number a dozen times. He picked his phone up once.

The day after that, he dialed the number but canceled it before it could ring. Later Jared asked him what he was going to do. Sharon had invited them to dinner on Friday, and he thought Jensen ought to be able to tell her he’d talked to his mom.

On Thursday, Jensen laid in bed until one o’clock because if he got up, he’d have to make a decision. He’d have to act or not. Finally, he just rolled over and picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Mama, it’s … it’s Jensen.”

He heard something like a sob, and he could see her sitting there with the phone to her ear and her hand over her mouth to hold back the sound. “Oh, baby, oh thank God, Jensen, I’m so glad you called.”

“I, umm, I’m sorry.”

“No …” He could hear his father’s voice in the background.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have … I , I don’t know, but …”

“No, I’m sorry,” she said. “We’re sorry. We were just so surprised and so worried about you. We said stupid things. Wrong things. I thought we’d be able to apologize and explain, but … you, you were gone. I just wanted to … We love you, Jensen, no matter what. We all do.”

“Mama, you don’t know …”

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t care. Listen to me. You’re my child, and I love you.”

“Mama, I have to go now.” Tears streamed hot down his cheeks, and he needed Jared right now.

“Jensen …”

“I, I have to go. I’ll call you again, okay?” He gulped. “You have my number now, right? But I just, I have to go.”

He ended the call and texted Jared: _Please come home._

_Ten minutes._

Jensen knew it was a 15 minute drive, but 10 minutes later Jared’s arms were around him. Jared was petting his hair and rocking him like a child. “Shh, baby, it’s okay.” Jared kissed his cheeks and wiped his tears. “Was it that bad?”

Jensen shook his head feeling foolish now. “No, no, it, I apologized, but she said no, and tried to tell her how, but she, she …”

“It’s okay?”

Jensen just nodded and put his head on Jared’s shoulder.

“I feel stupid,” he said against Jared’s neck. “It was just too much. All this time I thought …”

“I know, baby, I know.” Jared pushed him back and held him by the shoulders. He looked him over. “Have you been out of bed today?”

Jensen shook his head, and Jared pulled him to his feet. “Shower now, and then I’ll take you out for something to eat.”

“You could shower with me,” Jensen said as he stumbled to the bathroom.

Jared grinned. “Then we’d just end up back in bed.”

“Would that be so bad?”

“That would be awesome, but let’s save it for later. In the shower now. I’ll get you some clothes.”

“Bossy.”

“Yeah, that’s my job.”

***

“Jared.”

“Hmm?”

It was quiet and dark. Jensen was acutely aware of every inch of Jared’s skin that touched his – the hand on his waist, lips brushing his temple, the satisfied heat where their thighs met.

They’d picked up barbeque and beer and driven out to an abandoned ranch on BLM land. They’d eaten on the front porch of a dilapidated house, and they’d drunk the beer while Jensen described the conversation with his mother. Telling it then he’d realized how brief it was. Although, it had felt, did feel, so huge. Jared had just listened with his fingertips resting on the back of Jensen’s hand.

They’d walked out through the scrub wary of rattle snakes. They’d watched buzzards overhead and small snakes and legged creatures underfoot. They were mostly quiet and touched each other casually, almost unconsciously. On the ride back, the touches were words unspoken. Jared’s hand on Jensen’s thigh was firm, demanding. Jensen covered Jared’s hand with his own.

By the time they got back to loft, they were desperate with need, and their shirts were still in the elevator. Their shoes were in the entryway. Their pants were somewhere. Their lust made them rough and hasty. Fingers and teeth bruised necks and shoulders, hips and arms. Jared pulled Jensen to his knees and thrust into him with a just a slick of spit and precome. Jensen cried out but pushed back against him. He reached behind himself and grasped Jared’s thigh pulling him tighter, harder, faster.

“Fuck me, yeah, yeah, yes, Jesus …” Jensen was mindless with this, this, this, more, and Jared’s fingers dug into his hips as he slammed into him. His cock lit up that bundle of nerves, making Jensen gasp. He felt the tension building low in his gut and skittering up his spine and out along his limbs. It was too much and not enough. The part of him that felt too much wanted to get away, but Jared wasn’t letting go. The part of him that wanted more clutched fistfuls of sheet and thrust back against Jared. The climax hit him like a train. He collapsed face first onto the bed, but Jared was still holding his hips up and fucking into him, and Jesus Christ, that really was too much. Jared’s cock continued to milk his prostate, and Jensen wanted to scramble away but all he could manage was boneless squirming and whimpering.

Jared came with a grunt and collapsed on top of Jensen who was now lying in a pool of his own come with 250 pounds of muscle and bone on top of him. Despite the need to breath, he hated for Jared to pull out of him.

“You feel so good inside me,” he whispered because he really couldn’t get enough breath to do more.

“Yeah, I do. Feels like home.” Jared kissed his neck. “But I don’t want to suffocate you.”

He pulled out and rolled Jensen over. Jared wrapped himself around the smaller man, and they dozed for awhile. When they woke they did it again but slow and face to face with Jensen’s wrists shackled and his boxers shoved into his mouth. He moaned against the gag as Jared brought him almost to climax over and over. It had to be as much torture for Jared as it was for him. He was denying them both release. He kept them on the knife edge of pleasure and pain, of desperation and desire. Jensen hated him and loved him right then. He wasn’t sure if he’d rather suck Jared’s cock or kick the shit out of him. He begged and pleaded through the gag. And finally, finally Jared didn’t back off when Jensen neared the edge, but he worked his cock teasingly over Jensen’s prostate. He hung painfully on the edge and sucked air in through his nose before it hit him. His vision whited out and his body went stiff for a moment before every muscle contracted. He thrashed against the shackles, and Jared pulled the cloth from his mouth just as he screamed. He could hear Jared laugh and then groan as he pounded a final time into Jensen. He looked up at Jared who was arched over him, eyes shut as though in prayer. Finally, Jared opened his eyes.

“Oh, Jen, oh my God.”

“I hate you.”

Jared grinned. “That good, huh?”

“Yeah, that good.”

They’d cleaned up and changed the sheets and climbed back into the clean bed naked. Now, lying together in the dark, Jensen felt safe. Jared ran a hand down his arm.

“What is it, Jen?”

“My family, they think they know. They have this vague idea of what I’ve done. What I … but they don’t get it, you know? I’m so ashamed for being so stupid and weak, for letting people do that to me. It isn’t that I had sex for money, it’s the way I let them use me. I didn’t fight back. I let them take everything from me.”

“Jensen.” They were lying on their sides, facing each other, and Jared took Jensen’s face in his hands. “You were a kid. You aren’t responsible for what happened at that theater or at the agency. That night at the theater, you were assaulted, raped.”

“I agreed …”

“Did you? You knew what they were going to do to you? You agreed to the audience, the whips, all of that?”

He shook his head and tears stung his eyes.

“Of course not. They took advantage of you, of your age and your trust. They were the worst kind of evil, Jen. You aren’t to blame. The same for the agency. You were already traumatized, and they took advantage of that to control you. You have to quit blaming yourself.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Look at me. You have to try to see yourself through my eyes. You’re smart and funny and loving. I know I’m obsessive and controlling, and I couldn’t have said this in honesty even a few weeks ago, but, Jen, I love you.”

Jensen tried to pull away because, no, he couldn’t take that. Not now. Not yet. Maybe never. Jared’s hand slid to the back of his neck and held him still.

“I do. I know this is love, Jen. I was lying here watching the movie the other night, and you were asleep in my lap. You were so beautiful, and … and I realized that I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t plotting how to control you or shape you. I was just with you, and I was content. I realized that all that time I was trying to snare you, you’d snared me. I’m yours. I love you.”

Jensen felt a tear run from his eye and down to the tip of his nose. Jared kissed it away and pulled him close.

“All I want is to be with you, Jen. Always.”

“Me too.”

“Okay, good.”

“Can we go back to the ranch?”

“We can go anywhere you want, baby. Wherever you are is home.”

The End  
 **  
**

***

Chapter titles from Garbage lyrics:

1/10     Temptation Waits  
2/10     Fix Me Now  
3/10     I Think I’m Paranoid  
4/10     If We Sleep Together  
5/10     Temptation Waits  
6/10     Silence Is Golden  
7/10     Wicked Ways  
8/10     If We Sleep Together  
9/10     You Look So Fine  
10/10   You Look So Fine

 


End file.
